A new beginning..

One month of high fever. It wasn't dengue. It wasn't flu.

Monday 26th May 2008. I immediately broke down into tears when the doctor told me the news. I felt my world crashing, my life shattered and broken into a thousand pieces. Why did God allow this to happen to me? I could not understand. I was frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, weak. No one could understand my feelings, how deep the pain that was inside me, pain that I've never felt before. I questioned God over and over again.

I have been diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, a more common name, Lupus.

Why?

Why?

Timothy, my doctor brother was worried because of the prolonged fever and rashes on my face. I was so weak, I couldn't really walk properly. Appetite wasn't that good. He then asked me to go to Sungai Buluh Hospital to be checked. A few days later he said I must be admitted. He has his specialist friends to look after me. So I stayed there for a few days and had to undergo test after test, so much of blood sucked out from me.

I wasn't worried compared to my family members. I thought everything will go off in a few days. No. It did not. Fever still came faithfully every day. By this time they have already told me that it might be a connective tissue disease. I wasn't scared. I thought it wasn't so serious.

I went back home and stayed for a few days. But I was so sick, my face was so red and blotchy. I was so miserable. When my brother asked me to go back to hospital again I cried and cried because at home my mother takes care of me so well. So back to Sungai Buluh hospital.

On Monday, I was scheduled to go to Selayang Hospital to see the Rheumatologist specialist. My brother knows her and he told her how worried he was. So it was there when everything was told. I never saw this coming.

Don't tell me it's ok and everything will be alright. I'm still learning to accept my condition.

I went to my 'new' room and cried. To make matters worst the doctors immediately did ECG on me, I was so uncomfortable. So frustrated. So tired. The whole night my fever was so high to the point I couldn't walk or get up. My temperature went up to 40.5 degrees and I nearly fainted in the bathroom.

Now I can't be exposed to the sun light. For the rest of my life. I need to wear sunblock everyday, and change my lifestyle completely. I've started on medications and now my fever has gone off completely and my rashes are slowly going away. But I still need to stay in the hospital a few more days because my liver enzymes are still high.

Although the doctor told me I have SLE, but there is still one important test that has come out negative, twice. The antinuclear antibody test is the main test for lupus. Another test has been sent to a private lab so I have to wait for the results and see whether it will be positive or not.

***

During one of the nights, I was thinking about my future prospects. My work as a teacher. Getting a boyfriend? I was fearful everything would be affected. Will I be able to accept whatever circumstances that come my way?

***

My faith has been tested. With so much going on and everything being so overwhelming, where is God in the picture? I've to admit the last few weeks has caused me to distant myself from God a bit. One night I prayed with tears. He spoke to me. I cried. He will take care of my future because I'm His beloved child. People may leave me but He remains forever.

God has been so good to me. He has really planned out the events and what is to happen. I first had fever during the last week of April and my first paper was on the 26th. But I was still able to study and sit for my exam without any problems. I could also sit for my subsequent papers despite of my tiredness. God has been so good to me. He allowed this to happen in the month of May where I have my holidays after exam. God has been good to me. The SLE did not affect any of my organs but only my blood and my skin.

God has been good to me. Now I will spend the whole month of June recuperating and resting at home. And I can begin my 4th and final year in uni. Can you imagine if this whole thing did not happen during the holidays? My studies will certainly be affected. God has planned out the timing so perfectly.

This whole experience has been so overwhelming to me. It has brought me closer with my whole family. It has brought my whole family together. My parents and siblings came together to help me go through this. So many people have been praying for me (even in India!). I am so grateful for all the prayers and support from different individuals and groups of people.

My dear Daddy. I love you. You unceasingly and constantly encourage and support me throughout this ordeal. Everyday you drove to the hospital to see me. You do not hesitate to do anything for me or give me anything although you have so many things to do. I really appreciate everything you have done and are doing for me.

My dear Mummy. There are so many things you have done for me. You took care of me when I was so helpless. You stayed with me everyday and when I had high fever you got up just to sponge me. Oh the unimaginable things you did. Helping me get up and walk to the bathroom. Helping me change. Helping me to eat and drink when I was so weak. Most importantly you were there encouraging me to move on and to trust in God. Oh I love you so much Mie. I'm so grateful and thankful for having a mother like you.

Timmy. If it's not because of you I think all my organs would be gone and I won't survive this disease. Because of your pesterings of admitting into hospital everything was under control immediately. I feel so blessed having a doctor brother like you. What a privilege it is to be seen by so many specialists and be given first class treatment. Thanks for caring for your little sister. I really appreciate it a lot!

Mikey Mikes and Wuey Ping. I really appreciate you calling me everyday and checking on me and constantly supporting me. I really appreciate your presence with me in the hospital. Thanks for everything especially for the things you give me or lend me. You make my life in hospital more interesting..hehe..

Amelia and Dinoj. You both really make me laugh a lot. Thanks for all the support and encouragement you give me and the jokes that really make me laugh a lot..hehe...Amelia it's been fun having you stay a few nights with me. You really lighten up my day and you always tell me that everything will be alright, something that I needed the most when I was down and disappointed. You're the bestest sister I have! I love you.

I thank God for giving me such lovely family. I cannot imagine my life without them!

I am so grateful for having such kind and concerned friends who messaged and called me. Jia Hui and Suit Lin, my two dear friends and coursemates, thank you for everything you've done for me, for buying me flowers, lending me things but most of all encouraging and supporting me throughout this experience. Jia Hui, I really thank God for our friendship. You've been so kind and supportive to me. I really, really appreciate it a lot. thank you!!

I feel so blessed. The people that visited me in hospital really cheered me up and made my day more interesting. Rachel Babes, thanks for your lovely sunflowers! You presence was a real joy to me and you helped brighthen my gloomy day..hehe..thanks a lot!! Sweet and Penjang Adele, I was so happy to see you after a long time. I really missed your gilaness. To the rest of the PKVians and friends who came, Chris Koh, Jane, Siew Yung, Zachary, Ben, KeeAun, Ivan, Mei Si, Tuxoon and Chai Yee, I was indeed so happy to see you all after a long time. Your presence was a real blessing to me...

Last but not least, my dear Kim Cheng and PKVians Divya, Avni, Shih Han, Ervinna, Kat, Lee San, Sylvia, Timothy, Shannon, Bryant and Francis, who were in Camp Cameron. I am so touched after hearing how you all constantly came together to pray for me. This has been such a great encouragement to me and I'm indeed so grateful for what you all did. I thank God that he has allowed me to know all of you in uni. Thanks a lot!

***

God has started something new in me. I choose to follow Him. He has promised that He will be my guide in this new journey. Nothing is impossible. He is all I need. The road ahead is going to be tough but I need not be afraid because He is always there beside me. All glory be to Him!

***

I still need to stay in the hospital a few more days until my liver enzymes come down to a normal a level. My white blood count is normal already. I don't have fever now. But I still feel weak. Doing simple work like brushing my teeth makes me breathless and tired. I'm slowly recovering....

It's a new beginning...