Time really flies. In just 3 weeks time I will be facing my first major exam in uni.
Last weekend was quite a busy one for me but I'm so glad I can go back home almost every weekend and serve in my church. I realise that God wants me to serve Him here. Over the past few years serving in my church has been rather difficult for me because of the language barrier and there were times(many times) when I've prayed and ask God why did He put me in this type of situation. I felt so out of place. I shouldn't be here. I should have been elsewhere.

We want things to be so easy.We don't like to face a slightest discomfort in our life. I realised that we can serve God despite of any barriers. He wants us not to be easily distracted by the discomfort or problems that come our way. Just serve. I serve God not only because I love Him but because He first loved me. I serve because I have a hope which is eternal life. I serve because I believe in Him and am filled with an inexpressible joy, for I am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul. I serve so that God will be glorified and people will come to know of His love.

Last Sunday was my third time teaching in Sunday School. It was quite an experiece I can tell you. I was telling those boys about Paul's second missionary journey, about how God didn't allow Paul and Silas to go to Asia and Bithynia because God had other plans for them. The moment I mentioned the name Barnabas(who didn't follow Paul in this second journey), the whole atmosphere started to change. Those fellas started to make fun of that name. Other names such as 'Bar-banana' and 'Barnabas-Banana' started to come out from their mouths. They would go on and on and on. It was so distracting! Well, I hope that despite of the slight(or major!) distraction, those kids were able to understand the whole message. Boys will still be boys. I really hope they will change once they go on to secodary school. But anyway it was quite fun teaching them. Hope they will outgrow their childish ways.I wonder when it will happen.

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart.
I will tell of all your wonders
I will be glad and rejoice in you,
I will sing praise to your name,O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2

Today's ramblings

Today I attended PERKEB, the cf of UKM.Four reasons why I went: Firsty I wanted see some of my church members who are in UKM, actually many of the are there.I'm the only one who chose UM.Secondly,I wanted to see how their cf is like. Their meetings are conducted in Malay and it was so refreshing to see the East Malaysians together with the West Malaysians worshipping God.We even sang a Dusun song! I really pray and hope that more Sabahans and Sarawakians in UM will gather together and serve in the cf.Thirdly, I wanted to go home( my dad takes me home faithfully every friday) and this brings me to the fourth reason, my dad had to speak in their cf, so I had to follow him to UKM....so complicated!~..But I thank God for giving me this wonderful experience which I don't get so often!

'Not to us, O Lord, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

I read Psalm 115:1 and I'm truly reminded that whatever that I do, I do it all to glorify God and not myself. So whenever we're serving in our church or in our cf, let us be reminded that we are serving God and may the things that we do in our daily life glorify God.Finally let us not forget that our God is a loving and faithful God.

...God is love. This is how God showed His love among us. He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not the we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins..... 1 John 4:8-10

Remember

I really like this song by Harry Nilsson...it's quite a sad song though..

Long ago, far away
Life was clear, close your eyes
Remember is a place from long ago
Remember filled with everything you know
Remember when you're sad and feelin' down
Remember turn around
Remember life is just a memory
Remember close your eyes and you can see
Remember think of all that life can be
Remember..
Dream love is only in a dream
Remember..
Remember life is never as it seems
Dream-Long ago, far away
Life was clear, close your eyes

Wow!~

Since the last post, so many things happened in my life..but I think I've experienced so much of God's mercy and grace.Life has not been comfortable at times but are we expected to be comfortable all the time? I think we can only grow once we have gone through trials and difficulties because then we can only know the true meaning of hardship. I've learnt to fully trust in God and not just to 'half trust' where there are doubts but to FULLY trust in Him. There are times when I just feel like giving up on a certain problem but after knowing that the problem is not a problem but rather a challenge, it's easier for me solve it...this reminds me of a friend from RBS who once said to me "it's a blessing, not a burden"(if you're reading this, you know who you are!) I feel that it's important for us to submit outselves to God and to allow Him to work in us.

...hmmm....This semester is going to end pretty soon and I've got so much more to read especially for biology and geology. Something that I did not expect earlier: I really like geology so much! My mum told me that a geologist in a family is already enough so we don't need another one :-) Anyway,I'm reminded of God's calling that is teaching. Teaching was never in my mind during my secondary school days but when I was in Form 6 I started to ponder about my future, what was God's will for me. I prayed. From then on I realised that teaching was for me and when I was a temporary teacher, I really enjoyed teaching. It made me realise how much I can give to these students and the impact that I can have on them but most important is that I can tell them about God's love.

On another topic, I think it's really hard for a parent to see their son or daughter(especially daughters) leaving home after getting married. It's hard for me to accept the fact that my sister is going to get married in less than 2 months time. It was much easier for me when my brothers got married but I think it's because I'm much closer to my sister. We won't be seeing her every weekend and during Christmas. Yup, it's hard to let go of something that you cherish a lot but that is how life is. You let go and you move on.

yup...have not been updating for weeks. Just can't find the time and also a computer to type in uni. I've been busy with studies and activities in college and uni. Here's something I feel like sharing about.

I'm glad that I join PKV in UM. Truthfully, I can feel it's warmth and it's closeness. For the first time I'm able to understand everything...just understand...and to fit in...I can see in them the desire to be God's disciples and the desire to know Him more.

I do really enjoy having Bible studies with Mr. Lian. I feel that I've learnt a lot from him even though I started 2 weeks ago. His bible knowledge is so good!

Life in uni has been very different and challenging. So many things happened within this 1 month and I really cherish all the moments I had. This is just the beginning of the next 4 years in um.

I really thank God that I managed to change my course from science to science with education. I know that becoming a teacher is God's calling and I hope that I can use whatever abilities I have to glorify Him and to make Him known.

So..today

I thought in Sunday School for the second time. By the way I'm just a helper and the teacher asked me to take over today. Maybe it's some sort of training, I don't know. Anyway it was an opportunity for me to tell these kids about God and how God is good.

But anyway...I found it a bit hard teaching these boys...yes...there are ONLY boys in my class. I wonder where are all the 11-12 year old girls in my church. It's like when I'm talking they would talk in Chinese about something I just said...this annoys me a bit-lar...but on the whole, I think I was able to tell the message loudly and clearly even though there were numerous disruptions here and there...can't all boys just sit still and keep queit for a moment? :-)

The Bible story that I told was Jesus turning water into wine. Something that I too have learnt is that Jesus will give us the best because He wants us to get what is best. Yes He gives us our essential needs, family, friends and things that we treasure a lot but the best gift he gives us is new life. This reminds me of something that I read while I was doing my devotion. It says clearly in the Bible that people are not just sinners bacause they sin, but they sin because they are sinners. Christ has died on the cross so that we can be saved and thus obtain this new life. Without God's grace and mercy, what would be of us?

Quoting Eugene Peterson(his quote which I read somewhere) "The word 'sinner' is not to become and arsenal of condemnation but the expectation of grace". We as sinners need grace. We need a Saviour.

So since Jesus gives us the best and He wants us to test the best 'wine', we must be committed to Christ, to build a close relationship with Him, to acknowledge Him as our Lord and Saviour.

So tomorrow starts my third week in uni and second week of lectures. I can tell you that a lecturer's job is hundred times easier than a teacher's. I don't know how sure I am but from the past week of observation, I feel that all they do is just stand in front of the lecture hall and just talk about 50 minutes or so. And they do not give much substance. Not like the teachers we see in schools, I can see their dedication and thier zeal towards the students...but of course..school and university...they are totally different in many aspects..

Ah well...today has been such a gloomy day..so gloomy that I actually miss the sun very much. I think the weather really affects our moods and our emotions...a lot...

Hope to really do well in my exams. I've started studying already but it's more of remembering what I've learnt in form 6.As usual, there's so much to read for Bio but I like the subject so it's not like I'm forced to read. I pray that I'd be more consistent and diligent in everything that I do and not to procrastinate a lot and put things on hold for a long time...


...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things..Philippians 4:8

University of Malaya

Finally I have stepped into UM...Finally I'm a university student...Seorang mahasiswi UM...I really thank God for giving me this chance to further my studies at a higher level..I always waited for this moment to come and it has arrived. This is the time where I hope that I'm able to broaden my perspectives on life, people, education and other important stuffs...At least I hope I'm able to accomplish that..after all what is the point of going to university just for the sake of graduating and not getting much out of it?I still am not very sure about my future ahead, but I believe that God will continue to reveal His plans for me during this time of searching and learning.

I have enjoyed myself during the first week of orientation...surprise,surprise...I guess not everyone would agree that orientation in UM would be fun. But I truly enjoyed the cheers that our college did almost every night in DTC.....Bestari!Bestari!Bestari!....I think it did raise our 'semangat' a bit...We had to defend our college, 4th college from the other colleges and our main enemy was 7th college...Am still clueless of why we dislike 7th college so much...I miss the trips to DTC almost every night although we had to run most of the time because our PMs would tell us to hurry up.I wonder why they're always in a hurry.Well I did not expect life in uni to be like this. I never knew there was such a thing as' cheers' which we had to do during our 1st week. I never knew there was such a thing as 'pembantu Mahasiswa'. I think the PMs really helped us freshies although they were mean at times. But to look at the positive side they were of great help to us. They stayed up late every night so that we could settle out documents properly and not make any mistakes. Well 3 months of training really paid off. The PMs did a great job.

I've gained a lot during the first two weeks in uni. I've gained new friends. I've gained new knowledge. I've gained confindence(so I think). I've gained new room mates. I've gained a new room and most important I've gained a new beginning where I can start afresh. I really hope to use this chance in uni to develop skills that I have never developed before, to expand and grow to be a better person. I guess I was too afraid to come out of my shell before this, but with the help of God I think I'll be able to do this...now...

Oh well..I think I've decided to go public with this blog...Got to delete some very personal posts so that I do not create any sort of controversies :-)..Through this blog I hope to 'revive' my writing skills that have gone into the drain a long time ago..and to give my views on things and not to just keep them in my head...

The days after...

I guess I have almost recovered from my disappointment that I faced a few days ago. I think it was one of my lowest point in life because I have never felt like that before. My emotions have been bottled up so long that it finally exploded...not obvious...but silently...I cried, and cried myself to sleep...I blamed God for all my problems and troubles that I've faced.I tried to reason why I faced such hard situations and I asked God so many questions about my life here on earth...But finally after all the 'accusations' and questions toward God, I finally found a time when I actually quietened down and listened to what God is trying to tell me.

I've been reading the book of Job these past 2 days...with the help of my Life Application Bible.(Can't really imagine reading this book without some sort of help). But God did help me understand this book and about this person, Job. Job faced such calamaties so drastic that he felt so overwhelmed and terribly sad at the same time. I don't know anyone else who actually faced the same type of situation like Job. I can't imagine how anyone can go through such tremendous pain, emotional and physical pain. Everything was practically taken away from him except his life and his wife(which is quite strange, though).

God allows us to suffer so that our faith can be tested, to know how firm our foundations in God are. If our foundations are weak I"m sure we would not be able to stand firm in times of suffering and pain.

blah....

Life has been very hard for me especially during the last few days...Within a few seconds everything just happened so fast...Within a few seconds a stupid decision was made...drats...

Dear Lord...I started off my journey with an excited spirit...but now I'm completely broken...please mend me, O Lord...I know you will...the time will come but I do not know when....

Life just has to go on......

stressed.......maybe...maybe not....maybe.....maybe not....
blog is very,very messy..........
brains are very,very messy.........
trying to cope with exams.....
trying to finish up my syllabus....
listening to clay aiken.......
worried,worried,tired of worrying...
trials are coming pretty soon....
help me Father...
to lean on You......

really like clay aiken..
wish I could meet him,though...
wishful thinking........
childish thinking......

Dear Lord Jesus,
This year, life has been very tough. My spiritual life has been very dry and I guess my relationship with you has not been very good. I am so distracted by everything that is happening around me. Exams are coming soon. I feel that my future is determined by those exams......NO!My future is determined by You. I just cannot imagine what I am going to do next year! I am totally clueless. STPM is coming very,very soon......trials is just next week! I have not finished studying and there is so much to read! I just realised that I am scared...sacred of what may happen....
I just thank You for all the blessings you have given me. Though I may not realise them but I know that my life is in your hands. Sometimes, I panic and I don't know what to do.....
This Clay Aiken song which I am listening now really reminds me of YOU....

I will carry you....

Everybody cries,
Everybody bleeds,
No one said that life's an easy thing.....

When the stars go blind...and the darkness starts to flood your eyes..When you're falling behind...I will carry you
When your dreams give out....I will carry you

You,Lord Jesus will carry me when everything goes wrong.....when everything goes right....

Let me trust in YOU

Very often I ask God why He had put me into situations where I can't seem to cope with. Why was I born at the wrong time? Why does everything feel so strange to me? These are the type of questions I often question God . I absolutely know well that my whole life is in God's hands and he planned it long, long time ago and God doesn't make mistakes but why is there this feeling of sadness and loneliness in me? I don't know but I guess time will change everything and maybe when I'm older, I'd be able to understand everything better.

WORSHIP
I still remember Colin shared to us about 'worship' during RBS, that the most important aspect in worship is to worship God in spirit and in truth. Of course, I guess everyone knows this for sure because it is in the Bible but do everyone really apply this in their lives? It is hard to come before God with a troubled heart and especially if we have problems with other people and we find it hard to forgive them. We can't ask God for forgiveness if we cannot forgive others. I personally feel that it is so hard to come forward to God if I myself have not been living a righteous live.

Worship is not directed to ourselves but to God. Sometimes I feel that we are too carried away by the style of worship that we tend to put our focus on the music, how well the musicians performing, how well are we singing, rather than focusing on God himself. It seems like we are entertaining ourselves rather than entertaining God!

There is no such word 'singspiration' and the term is used by many churches. Well, this was something new to me when I heard that 'Singspiration' is actually a name of a Christian song book so maybe it's appropriate for us to use 'Praise and Worship' rather than 'singspiration'. I still remember the look on Colin's face when he told us the word 'singspiration' doesn't exist. Well he seemed sick and tired of people..(Malaysians).. often using the term 'singpsiration' which is not even found in the dictionary!...heheh!....

The year is going to end.....

This year has been a blast for me because so many different things happened all in one year. Started off this year by attending RBS(Residential Bible School) which was really interesting. I can't seem to take my mind away from it. I met many new friends and staying at Cameron Highlands for a month was awesome! I just love the weather up there and the food was very,very nice! Of course I'd to get used to the humid weather here after staying there for a month! But above all, I drew closer to God and I rededicate my life to Him. I learnt a lot about the Word and also some Christian theology. Our mission trip which was part of RBS, also taught me a great deal of things but I wished I had done more things during the mission trip to Skudai. But, it was a blessing from God, to be in a church which I didn't know it existed!

And then came my SPM results! I was indeed satisfied with myself but I do hope to try much harder next year which I know I will. Going to form 6 was rather a big deal for me because it is something different from secondary school. Although the thought of going to school still remains and have not changed, but the style of studying has indeed changed for me. I feel more independent and of course I need to depend on myself, a little bit on the teachers, for me to achieve. Well, I'm proud to be in form 6, because it's the final stage of school, and also, I can show off to the lower forms that I'm much older than them!...heheh!...I'm older this year, that's right....Anyway, I found school quite interesting this year because I was interested in the subjects especially Biology and Chemistry. I do hope that next year would be even better as it's examination year but I don't want to limit my interests just because of exams.

oh well.....time just passes by very fast...before we can enjoy today to the fullest, tomorrow has come.........

I hear the sound of the thunder, I feel the strong wind blowing, I see black clouds moving above me, I hear the rustling of the coconut tree leaves.....the rain has arrived.

Today has been just like any other day but it's not over yet. It's still evening and I have a prayer meeting to attend after this.

Joshua 3:9 - So Joshua told the Israelites,"Come and listen to what the LORD your God says.

Joshua was getting the attention of the Israelites, who were traveling at that moment, to listen to what God has to say to them. Picture the Israelites being excited or maybe nervous because they were about to cross the Jordan river. I was reading the whole of Joshua Chapter 3 and this verse reminded me that in times of busyness and sometimes chaos, we need to be still and focus on God. The commentary in my Bible(Life Application Study Bible) says that we must not get caught up with our busy schedule until we don't have time to hear what God is trying to say to us. As for me, it's strange and funny to know that even though I'm not that busy(during the holidays) I also tend to lose my focus on God! Even that I can lose sight of God, what if I'm so caught up with work? Well, I guess this verse applies to everyone, be it a lazy bum like me(heheh!) or a worker. After the Israelites have settled down for a moment after being called by Joshua, then God gave His sweet assurance in verse 10 that 'today you will know that the Living God is among you.....' and for evermore.

I was doing my daily devotion and this poem which I read is really inspiring....

Taken from 'Streams In The Desert' by LB Cowman, a book of daily devotional readings

Once I heard a song of sweetness,
As it filled the morning air,
Sounding in its blest completeness,
Like a tender, pleading prayer,
And I sought to find the singer,
Where the wondrous song was borne,
And I found a bird, quite wounded,
Pinned down by a cruel thorn.

I have seen a soul in sadness,
While its wings with pain were furled,
Giving hope, and cheer and gladness
That should bless a weeping world
And I knew that life of sweetness,
Was of pain and sorrow borne,
And a stricken soul was singing,
With its heart against a thorn.

You are told of One who loved you,
Of a Savior crucified,
You are told of nails that held Him,
And a spear that pierced His side;
You are told of cruel scourging,
Of a Savior bearing scorn,
And He died for your salvation,
With His brow against a thorn.

You "are not above the Master."
Will you breathe a sweet refrain?
And His grace will be sufficient,
When your heart is pierced with pain.
Will you live to bless His loved ones,
Though your life be bruised and torn,
Like the bird that sang so sweetly,
With its heart against a thorn?

Time really flies! I've been having some trouble with this blog and faced some minor problems plus I really didn't have the mood to type anything here. School holidays are going to end in a few weeks time and this will be my final year end school holidays because next year will be my last year of school! Am I really excited about that? Not really. Next year I'll be sitting for my major exam which will somehow determine my career and my future. I still don't know what I want to do! Ah well....I'm still praying about it and asking God's guidance.

Sometimes I'm really not sure of whether I should continue blogging or not. I don't know what is the future of this blog because my mood really fluctuates, sometimes I really don't feel like doing something, sometimes I really get all excited when I want to do something else.I guess I'm not the only person who's like that,right? Or maybe it's me alone...sheesh...

The month of December has been quite interesting for me. I learnt more about the Bible and I drew closer to God...but life has not been easy going,though...with a lot of emotional experiences with my personal life and also with church...Well, this past few days I learnt about the power of prayer. The evangelistic meeting which our church had was truly a miracle and blessing from God. The gospel meeting was held at our church outreach in Chodoi,a small Chinese village. I realise from this meeting, and also from my mum, that prayer is indeed very powerful. Everything went smoothly, the dances, the message and praise God, about 12 people accepted Christ! I truly believe that God wants us to realise His presence and rely on His power.

One day Jesus told his disciples......their need for constant prayer and to show them that they must never give up. Luke 18:1(New Living Translation)

DRASTIC!

Wow, it's been one day! Got up early in the morning to follow daddy to PJ. Then went with him to Midvalley to watch a movie. He saw Basic and I saw Brother Bear. Awesome! Both the outing and the movie which I saw! Brother Bear was fantastic! I almost cried several times! Well, it's been some time since I saw an animated film. Finding Nemo was the last time. Came back home and couldn't wait to watch 'JMillionnaire' plus it was the finale(My beloved country is a bit outdated in the latest entertainment so I can't blame the TV station for not airing this show earlier) Anyway, I'm happy that he picked Zora because she looks decent and innocent. Well, my anticipation has ended and the winner has been chosen but I'm not happy...even after watching the show...I just read from the internet that both of them remain as friends only. Nothing more happened after this show. I think I blame it on the media for not giving them enough privacy and now I really thank God for giving me a normal life to live. What can people actually do if the whole world is watching them? I pity those who have taken part in this show and I feel that it is not right to violate a person's privacy although it may sound glamorous and exciting. I still thank God I'm an ordinary girl,nothing glamorous to expect from me. Is wealth everything? I think this show, which wants us to assume that wealth is not everything, got me thinking that actually people in this world really crave for money!.......sad......

Thinking Back...

I don't know why I really enjoy thinking about the events that have happened but I find it depressing at times because I want those events to repeat. But of course, reality doesn't permit it to happen again and life has to still go on. Now, I'm looking back just a few days ago when I attended the FES dinner. Well, I think I had a great time because I saw a friend from RBS and also Uncle Hilmy! I so wanted to see (him) but too bad he didn't turn up or maybe he came but I didn't see him. too bad. Anyway, as I said, I had a great time. I'm proud of Mike because he has been an FES full time worker for a few years. Proud to be his sister although the age gap is quite big but who sees that anyway. It's really nice to tell people especially students whom he work with that I'm his little sister...hahaha....I don't know why...it's that brother sister thingy again....
I just can't wait to enter uni. but I don't want it to come so fast because I still have not decided what degree I want to take! Medicine is out because I just can't stand a doctor's life after looking at Tim's life. A doctor in a family is enough and there's no need for 2! I've been thinking about Genetics and also Forensic Science and also speech therapy[because of Mrs Mike :o) ]but I still don't know what to choose! Well, have to find God's will for me first. Let Him lead the way.

Sometimes I wonder how if a family member or someone I'm scared of...if there is any.. haha...find out about this blog! I have absolutely nooo idea!

At last, there's some sort of improvment in this blog. A bit of colours here and there...hehe.. But again, I've to remind myself that there's more for me to learn. But the problem is, I find that blogging really takes up so much of my time. Remember, there's much more to life than blogging! I guess when life has become pretty boring, no friends around, then only I start posting my thoughts on the computer. My final year end school holidays are still on and I'm quite busy with tuitions and bio projects and of course studying! STPM next year!. Wow, it's been so fast. Life has been passing by so fast and without realising it, I'm going into my twenties!. Of course, that will be in one year time...come to think about it, God has been sustaining my life for more than 18 years. What is His plan for me in the future? Currently, I really don't see myself being an ideal Christian. Of course there's no such thing as an ideal Christian because we are all sinful and are living by the grace of God. I feel that I'm not fulfilling my duties as a Christian because I don't see myself telling my friends the gospel. All I see in myself is a Christian girl, striving to be ahead of others...in her studies...I don't know why...Maybe the time has not come or maybe I'm too blinded by my own interests. Maybe I'm still young. But God doesn't see age as a limiting factor so how am I to overcome this problem in my life?. Maybe, I still need time to grow spritually. I'm not ready to share the gospel to others yet maybe because I feel that I need to learn more about the Bible...and also have more faith in God.

A revival!

Finally, after a long period of absence!. As if lar anyone's going to care about this blog except for me. Posting my thoughts in this blog is very much like me talking to myself and no one else. Except for God. That's for sure. He's everywhere and I'm sure He's smiling at me now. He's smiling at all His children here on earth. Another reason why I feel that posting my thoughts here is like me talking to myself is because no one else is reading it and I still don't know how to add some features here. Well, of course I'm still learning but the whole process is so slow!....why do I even bother?. Is it because I want some recognition for what I'm doing? Is that it?.....