Gerbera.

I like African Daisies (Gerbera daisies). So, if I am sick, or have just come out of Dewan Tunku Canselor after I've received my scroll, you know what flowers to give me ok...hehe

They make me happy :)

Peace.

Life has been good. There were days that were filled with specks of surprises that make me want to thank God over and over again. Sometimes, I'd meet people whom I've longed to meet after not seeing them for a long time. And I would just enjoy the company and the laughs that we share together.

Yet, there are times when frustration seeps into the soul for no clear reason. Sometimes I'd want to cry my heart out but do not know why there's just so much of tears. Sometimes I'd want to pour out my feelings and say it out loud, but something holds me back, telling me to wait.

Sometimes, there will be fear, fear of the unknown. I have gone through a major storm but then there will be future squalls that will come unexpectedly. But God promises to bring me through the storms, to bring me to the other side of that lake, to safety, to heaven. (John 8:22) Come what may, whatever the end may be, the most important thing is how you go through it. Will you allow Him to look after your needs? Do you really believe that He can do the impossible?



Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.

The young lions lack and suffer hunger,
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing.

Psalm 34 8:11

University starts in a week's time and there are so many things to do and to think about. As I step into my fourth and final year, what is it that I want to do or to experience before I begin a new phase? There will be new friends, new subjects, new problems, new pests unfortunately, new obstacles, new storms, new resposibilites. Oh so much and it's only the middle of the year!

A new beginning..

One month of high fever. It wasn't dengue. It wasn't flu.

Monday 26th May 2008. I immediately broke down into tears when the doctor told me the news. I felt my world crashing, my life shattered and broken into a thousand pieces. Why did God allow this to happen to me? I could not understand. I was frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, weak. No one could understand my feelings, how deep the pain that was inside me, pain that I've never felt before. I questioned God over and over again.

I have been diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, a more common name, Lupus.

Why?

Why?

Timothy, my doctor brother was worried because of the prolonged fever and rashes on my face. I was so weak, I couldn't really walk properly. Appetite wasn't that good. He then asked me to go to Sungai Buluh Hospital to be checked. A few days later he said I must be admitted. He has his specialist friends to look after me. So I stayed there for a few days and had to undergo test after test, so much of blood sucked out from me.

I wasn't worried compared to my family members. I thought everything will go off in a few days. No. It did not. Fever still came faithfully every day. By this time they have already told me that it might be a connective tissue disease. I wasn't scared. I thought it wasn't so serious.

I went back home and stayed for a few days. But I was so sick, my face was so red and blotchy. I was so miserable. When my brother asked me to go back to hospital again I cried and cried because at home my mother takes care of me so well. So back to Sungai Buluh hospital.

On Monday, I was scheduled to go to Selayang Hospital to see the Rheumatologist specialist. My brother knows her and he told her how worried he was. So it was there when everything was told. I never saw this coming.

Don't tell me it's ok and everything will be alright. I'm still learning to accept my condition.

I went to my 'new' room and cried. To make matters worst the doctors immediately did ECG on me, I was so uncomfortable. So frustrated. So tired. The whole night my fever was so high to the point I couldn't walk or get up. My temperature went up to 40.5 degrees and I nearly fainted in the bathroom.

Now I can't be exposed to the sun light. For the rest of my life. I need to wear sunblock everyday, and change my lifestyle completely. I've started on medications and now my fever has gone off completely and my rashes are slowly going away. But I still need to stay in the hospital a few more days because my liver enzymes are still high.

Although the doctor told me I have SLE, but there is still one important test that has come out negative, twice. The antinuclear antibody test is the main test for lupus. Another test has been sent to a private lab so I have to wait for the results and see whether it will be positive or not.

***

During one of the nights, I was thinking about my future prospects. My work as a teacher. Getting a boyfriend? I was fearful everything would be affected. Will I be able to accept whatever circumstances that come my way?

***

My faith has been tested. With so much going on and everything being so overwhelming, where is God in the picture? I've to admit the last few weeks has caused me to distant myself from God a bit. One night I prayed with tears. He spoke to me. I cried. He will take care of my future because I'm His beloved child. People may leave me but He remains forever.

God has been so good to me. He has really planned out the events and what is to happen. I first had fever during the last week of April and my first paper was on the 26th. But I was still able to study and sit for my exam without any problems. I could also sit for my subsequent papers despite of my tiredness. God has been so good to me. He allowed this to happen in the month of May where I have my holidays after exam. God has been good to me. The SLE did not affect any of my organs but only my blood and my skin.

God has been good to me. Now I will spend the whole month of June recuperating and resting at home. And I can begin my 4th and final year in uni. Can you imagine if this whole thing did not happen during the holidays? My studies will certainly be affected. God has planned out the timing so perfectly.

This whole experience has been so overwhelming to me. It has brought me closer with my whole family. It has brought my whole family together. My parents and siblings came together to help me go through this. So many people have been praying for me (even in India!). I am so grateful for all the prayers and support from different individuals and groups of people.

My dear Daddy. I love you. You unceasingly and constantly encourage and support me throughout this ordeal. Everyday you drove to the hospital to see me. You do not hesitate to do anything for me or give me anything although you have so many things to do. I really appreciate everything you have done and are doing for me.

My dear Mummy. There are so many things you have done for me. You took care of me when I was so helpless. You stayed with me everyday and when I had high fever you got up just to sponge me. Oh the unimaginable things you did. Helping me get up and walk to the bathroom. Helping me change. Helping me to eat and drink when I was so weak. Most importantly you were there encouraging me to move on and to trust in God. Oh I love you so much Mie. I'm so grateful and thankful for having a mother like you.

Timmy. If it's not because of you I think all my organs would be gone and I won't survive this disease. Because of your pesterings of admitting into hospital everything was under control immediately. I feel so blessed having a doctor brother like you. What a privilege it is to be seen by so many specialists and be given first class treatment. Thanks for caring for your little sister. I really appreciate it a lot!

Mikey Mikes and Wuey Ping. I really appreciate you calling me everyday and checking on me and constantly supporting me. I really appreciate your presence with me in the hospital. Thanks for everything especially for the things you give me or lend me. You make my life in hospital more interesting..hehe..

Amelia and Dinoj. You both really make me laugh a lot. Thanks for all the support and encouragement you give me and the jokes that really make me laugh a lot..hehe...Amelia it's been fun having you stay a few nights with me. You really lighten up my day and you always tell me that everything will be alright, something that I needed the most when I was down and disappointed. You're the bestest sister I have! I love you.

I thank God for giving me such lovely family. I cannot imagine my life without them!

I am so grateful for having such kind and concerned friends who messaged and called me. Jia Hui and Suit Lin, my two dear friends and coursemates, thank you for everything you've done for me, for buying me flowers, lending me things but most of all encouraging and supporting me throughout this experience. Jia Hui, I really thank God for our friendship. You've been so kind and supportive to me. I really, really appreciate it a lot. thank you!!

I feel so blessed. The people that visited me in hospital really cheered me up and made my day more interesting. Rachel Babes, thanks for your lovely sunflowers! You presence was a real joy to me and you helped brighthen my gloomy day..hehe..thanks a lot!! Sweet and Penjang Adele, I was so happy to see you after a long time. I really missed your gilaness. To the rest of the PKVians and friends who came, Chris Koh, Jane, Siew Yung, Zachary, Ben, KeeAun, Ivan, Mei Si, Tuxoon and Chai Yee, I was indeed so happy to see you all after a long time. Your presence was a real blessing to me...

Last but not least, my dear Kim Cheng and PKVians Divya, Avni, Shih Han, Ervinna, Kat, Lee San, Sylvia, Timothy, Shannon, Bryant and Francis, who were in Camp Cameron. I am so touched after hearing how you all constantly came together to pray for me. This has been such a great encouragement to me and I'm indeed so grateful for what you all did. I thank God that he has allowed me to know all of you in uni. Thanks a lot!

***

God has started something new in me. I choose to follow Him. He has promised that He will be my guide in this new journey. Nothing is impossible. He is all I need. The road ahead is going to be tough but I need not be afraid because He is always there beside me. All glory be to Him!

***

I still need to stay in the hospital a few more days until my liver enzymes come down to a normal a level. My white blood count is normal already. I don't have fever now. But I still feel weak. Doing simple work like brushing my teeth makes me breathless and tired. I'm slowly recovering....

It's a new beginning...

:-)

Today I decided I'm not going to succumb to such terrible predicament that has befallen me. I decided to go out and take pictures of ants. No they did not bite me and I was only out of the house for 10 minutes.

I'm alright.For the time being. I'm just waiting to see whether I will get fever later. Isn't it amazing how this fever comes only in the evenings? Strange.

I shall rise above the current circumstances!

I'm not going to let this stop me from being the joyful person I'm supposed to be. With so much happening, I wonder what is wrong with me, physically and emotionally.

Yesterday was one very painful day for me the moment I got up until night. The night before I was so tired that I slept on both hands the whole night and I still wonder how I did it. And I got up having very swollen hands and I could not even bend my fingers! Ah! Actually I was petrified. What was wrong with my hands? Oh dear. I couldn't play the piano. I couldn't hold the spoon properly for goodness sake. Even changing was so challenging.

And I cried. The usual me cries a lot but not because of pain(physical pain I mean..hehe). So this was an unusual cry. Terrible. Because it was so painful.

And on top of that, I still had my usual headache and slight fever which still did not recover since last week.

Great. Saw the doctor yesterday. She asked me to do a blood test today.

Today morning, first time in my entire life I had so much of blood sucked out from me.Doctor wants to test me for...dengue!!

Aah. Yeah. It's quite strange for me to have fever every evening. Yesterday night it was super high. But I thank God that I wasn't so sick on the days I had to sit for exam.

Oh well. The good thing is, hands are perfectly fine today. :-)

***

Am I seeking for miracles, rather than the Lord of miracles? Ah.This has hit me hard today. I know I've been asking to much. Hoping to much. But it has come to the point where I've left my Lord out of the picture almost completely.

'From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more'

Then Jesus said to the twelve, "Do you also want to go away?"

But Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" John 6:67-68

Kakak saya.

one month after 27th of March,

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY!

AMELIA GRACE the brat.the dragon.the bum.the rich geologist.the big sister.

This is my favourite picture. Both of us were wearing the same pyjamas :-)

Dinoj, go tell Amelia to read this. Hehe..

Rachel Choong Mei Ling

No wonder the mirror fell and broke.

I present to you, Queen Amidala of Happy Mansion! :-)

To de-stress: Cactus Flower and Rumput Flower

I never...

expected such predicament to happen. And sometimes I feel that I'm too feeble and courage-less to face them. Honestly speaking, I cannot wait for my term to end. But then again, it is my Lord and Heavenly Father that I'm serving, and shouldn't there be NO limits in serving him? But sometimes, the cross seems too heavy to bear. Sometimes I feel tired and discouraged because of...people...myself included. Yes, sometimes, I'm discouraged with myself because I always make mistakes. Stupid mistakes.

***

Some lingering thoughts...Thoughts from God? Somehow these thoughts have not gone away from me...probably it's not a coincidence because I forget easily...

' I will run to You. To your words of truth. Not by might, nor by power. But by the Spirit of God.'

'Be conscious of the presence and power of the Holy Spirit'

'Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established' Proverbs 16:3

***

I fear this coming week. But it's still going to come...unless my Lord comes the second time, or he comes and take me away. I cannot run away from this week...no I cannot...But I'm afraid...

• Cytogenetics test tomorrow..great...and I'm here typing this
• Committee meeting on Wednesday
• Group assignment and presentation on Wed. Bagaimanakah agama anda berupaya untuk melaksanakan penambahbaikan terhadap kendiri dari aspek minda, fizikal dan jiwa? Jia Hui and I will be doing on Christianity. There's going to be a mini interfaith dialogue this Wednesday in my class...oh dear...
• Committee Planning Retreat from Fri-Sun at Bukit Tinggi. This is my hardest responsiblity...sigh...my 3rd time attending CPR....I'm tired...
• Technology in Education test on Friday.

They make me smile :-)

The little worm

Little Enoch, such a handsome boy he is.

Little Laura watching TV. I like the sillhouette effect.

They both call my father, Grandpa. Tze Shen(Young Eng's son) and Debs. My dad fetches them from kindergarten at least once a week. There was this day when both of them were sitting behind, then Debs suddenly asked him 'Tze Shen, I love you'....oh my...hehe

Like father like daughter

Pretty Laura.

Danielle and Yohand. Danielle told me, 'You look exactly like your sister'. I answered back, 'She's older than me, but how come she's shorter than me?'. She then had this confused look on her face.

Little Andrew (The one on the right) told a joke in the car. I didn't expect this from him.

'What did the porcupine say to the cactus?'

Are you my mother?

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego....Oops, no...It's Christopher, Shadrach and Elijah

During Knocky Knock's 1st birthday party.

I need to make decisions, very important decisions!

There are just too many ironic situations happening in my life. Too many....

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I leave it all to my Lord. Whatever happens will happen for a reason.

Today brings me back to 2006. The friendship that went sour and there is still no reconciliation. The only thing is, we still smile at each other...just for courtesy sake. I'm still praying about it until today.

Recently my thoughts are like this. Berselerak. Messy. Just like the picture below...Oh well..

My Lord has been faithful. He's always been faithful to me. When I read what I've written in my journal a few years ago, I'm reminded that no matter how tumultuous life can be, my Heavenly Father is always present. Just as I've said before, I thank God that He didn't allow certain things to happen. If he had answered some of my prayers, I don't think I'd be the person I am today.

Ok. This is MY blog. and most of the time I have to think twice before posting something up here. but I don't care now.

Aah, suddenly I don't feel good.

That kind of irritating feeling and thoughts in my head telling me to start worrying and that God is not helping me at this moment.

And that thought that wants me to feel lonely just because there isn't that certain someone beside me.

Plus the thought that tomorrow will be a full day. Classes and a lab from 9.30pm to 6.15pm with only 1 hour break in between, and Easter practice from 7.00pm till 9.30pm.

You, Adelene's Thoughts...you are such a bane!

No. I shall not be discouraged.

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God-Charles L. Allen

***

Then I said to you,

"Do not be terrified or afraid of the. The LORD your God who goes before you,

He will fight for you, according to all He did for you in Egypt before your eyes.And in the wilderness where you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carried His son, in all the way you went until you came to this place."

"Yet,

for all that, you did not believe the Lord, your God, who went in the way before you to search out a place for you to pitch your tents, to show you the way you should go in the fire by night and in the cloud by day"

***

After 23 years of living, when will I come to full realisation that God has been faithfully providing for me ever since I was born and by His grace I can be sitting down here, breathing, being well and alive? Let's not talk about the things that I want..success, fulfilled dreams, nice things, a boyfriend, money, enjoyment...but rather the things that I need and already have..being able to think and communicate, being able to breathe and go through the whole day experiencing things that will not be the same the next day..

And so often I go through the day being bogged down by my own desires and hopes...and at the end of the day I feel so hopeless....and this whole cycle repeats the next day, and the day after...

When will I learn to accept things as it is...

As I look back, I thank God that He did not answer some of my prayers..If He did, I know I would not be the person I am today. Now I can see that what I thought was best for me at that time is actually what God thought was not best for me...at that time...and for my future...

I wish I could:
-climb a mountain, any mountain in Malaysia
-go to a cold place like Cameron Highlands, or Tambunan or Kundasang,Sabah
-go hiking
-go snorkelling
-hide

):

Pardon my English

I feel that God has been good to me today. You see, I did my assignment until 3.30am this morning (I've broken my record of staying up until this late) and was so cranky this morning because I had a class at 9.30am and I still have not finished the donky assignment. But, as I said, God is good, my class was until 10.ooam and now I have enough time to finish this donkey assignment before I go to my next class which is at 12.oo.Well, the cranky-ness is not because of staying up so late but because I had to edit and change all the lab reports of my group members. Imagine working with future science teachers who can't speak English for nuts and they can't even do their lab reports properly. How are they going to teach in schools later? Oh, and some of my group members were primary school science teachers and now they are doing a degree in UM and they can't even speak a proper sentence in English.

Okay, today was better than yesterday.

I'm actually looking forward to today's event at college. Hope I can get the attention of the Jawatankuasa Tindakan Kolej(JTK) and be offered a place to stay next year. Hah!..hehe...

Much to say now. Little to say after this. I hope not.

No more playing the fool. The second half of the semester is going to be tough and draining too. Plus the frequent emotional roller coaster rides, I'm praying that I would be able to go through gracefully. But I'm afraid....

***

Yesterday over dinner, we were talking about a particular church member whom almost the whole church dislikes. And something my mother said that is glued on my mind,

"If God were like us, all of us would not be in heaven"

Sometimes, it's so hard to forgive a person just because he/she keeps irritating others or makes a nuisance of himself/herself. And this person keeps going on and on and on. But when this person actually does something good which none of us would actually do, no one remembers him/her for that. Shame on us. We choose to help people we like. People who are clean, sane or well-to-do. What about helping the mentally ill, old or neglected people? Do we choose the people we want to love? Sometimes convenience is bad. We hate inconvenience because it might take away our time and even our own so-called reputation. What am I doing about it?

***

I hope things will turn out well. I'm still waiting...Nothing has changed.

***

I hope to make a difference in my room-mates lives. Please pray for me. It' something very new to me. No more being a silent room-mate who is only glued to her own work. Time to change before it's too late. Wake up!!

***

Chinese New Year was great and joyful. As usual 3 Chinese and the rest Indians and Chindians. Chinese includes The Mother, The Sister-In-Law and The Cousin-In-Law. Ah, time passes by so fast. Soon it will be next year again.

***

Here are some of my favourite pictures from the Ipoh trip. To see more of the Ipoh pictures, go to my facebook lah :-)

Rachel! I took the most pictures of you! Hehe.

I like this one.

Ben and Rachel

A view from Kellie's Castle

There's something about this picture that makes me like it.

omg!

Of course, there must be insects.

And a meow meow

And I'm OK! (for the time being)

Lingering thoughts...

I will not enter my house, or go to bed-

I will not allow no sleep to my eyes, no slumber to my eyelids,

till I find a place for the Lord, a dwelling for the Mighty One of Jacob

Psalm 132:3-5

*Before I lay out my own plans. Before I lay out my own dreams. Before I fill my heart with the things I love and desire. Before everything else, I will first find a place for my Lord. He is above everything else.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you're still angry,

and do not give the devil a foothold.

Ephesians 4:26-27

*Do not give place to the devil. Not only in anger but also in succumbing to temptations. Don't give in to temptations just because your life isn't what you wanted and because your past seems to be haunting you. Don't give in because you are pretending to be someone you're not.

Much dreaming and many words are meaningless.

Therefore stand in awe of God. (But fear God. NKJV)

Ecclesiastes 5:7

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

Ecclesiastes 12:13

*By looking at what we are doing...or rather what I am doing, it's as if God doesn't exist. Where is God in the picture? Are we sidelining Him? And it seems to be getting worst.

I will wait.

This week, my room-mates and I have been unusually close. One of them even told me what she is facing right now, her dilemma with a guy. I even told her my own dilemma. We laughed and teased each other a lot. I gave both of them an orange (some CNY dedication thingy) with a message (quite a lengthy one). Something that I have never done before. When I was not around, Alli filled my pail with water for the night and this happened twice. I was not around when the college announced there will be no water.

Was thinking. During Fisherman's Friend the previous week, Hannah prayed for my room-mates. I think God is starting something and I should take notice of it. I should put more effort in it.

***

Am filled with a sudden wave of sadness. I don't know what's wrong with me.

***

To me, you will only remain the ideal person and not the real person. Even though you are right there in front of me. These kind of things never come true in my life.