I'm off to CAMERON HIGHLANDS tomorrow.
Am I excited?
NO
Have I packed?
NO
Am I ready to go?
NO
Why did I decide to go?
Because I was not thinking straight when I made that decision

I'm so glad that my YF singing competition went on so well. It went on so well that while I was playing, the stupid files on the piano suddenly fell onto the piano keys and that created such a loud noise. My goodness gracious me. And it wasnt even my files. It was another pianist's files. I'm feeling bad because I was playing for another group and not mine~sigh~ But the good thing is I still managed to continue playing despite of the MAJOR disruption. I'm sure everybody turned their heads towards me at that moment. So memalukan. But anyway, I thank God that everything went on well when I played for the two soloists and the duet from my group. The duet got 1st place and one of the soloists got 3rd. Well, everyone had a great time tonight.

I'm not feeling too good.*the thunder was so loud, and the wind is so strong outside* Having mixed feelings about everything. The next three days is going to be so dreadful. I don't know. I just pray that this camp would be a refreshing one where I could have a quiet time being alone with God. Maybe I could use this time to ponder about certain things. Oh well.....

WELCOME BACK JIA HUI & CHRIS(if you're reading this)!
...and I'm going to camerons tomorrow. Camp is at Chefoo Methodist Centre at Brinchang~sigh~ I should really stop sighing and start packing!

sad sad post

~sigh~
Feeling melancholic. Feeling blue. Feeling lonely. I just came back from practice and during practice I was feeling so sad and angry. Not because of the practice itself. Maybe there are reasons why I felt like that but it came suddenly.
~sigh~
Feeling scared. Feeling nervous. I fear of being alone in a large group of people. Fear of being left out. Not always but sometimes.Church camp is on Sunday. That's why I'm feeling like that now.
~sigh~
Feel like crying!

Have been pretty busy these past few days. My YF is going to have a singing competition this Saturday and everyone is busy practising their songs. I on the other hand am busy practising my piano everyday. I think I'm busy lah. I don't really feel that playing the piano makes me busy. Anyway I'm feeling a bit nervous about it because I'll be playing for two soloists and 1 duet from my group and also for another group's performance.*phew* I'm going to be so busy that night but I thank God that I have this chance to perform. I just pray that I don't make any mistakes that will affect their singing and will eventually affect their points. My group will be singing a chinese song. Chinese song you know! Some more kena hafal the song! How many of you bananas out there can memorize a Chinese song eh?..hehe :D

Yay! Yay! They are all coming back from Camp Camerons this Saturday! I'm the only one feeling so happy and I'm sure they will be so reluctant to come back. Good.Why am I so happy? The one and only reason is, after getting my friends' messages that they're really enjoying it so much, I felt that I should have gone in the first place. But right now, I don't really regret not going because I get to spend more time mixing around with my church members and participating in this singing competition. Plus, I have a Sunday School class to take care of. I can't leave them for three weeks!

What have I been doing during the holidays? Oh I have been following the Singapore Chinese Serial 'Tong Xin Yuan' on channel 19 at 7pm faithfully every day. Pity Dad. TV is booked from 7pm to 8pm everyday. He cannot watch anything during that one hour! But too sad, the final episode is on Friday and I can't follow any more mandarin serials after that because my holidays will be for another 5 more weeks. I don't have enough time to finish watching all the episodes. Bleh. I've been following American Idol also. Of course none of the singers can beat Clay Aiken, the runner up from season 2 and also Kelly Clarkson. Clay's my favourite so far. This season, I was hoping for Elliot Yamin to win, but it's so sad he was eliminated last week.Oh well, I hope Taylor Hicks will win because he's more consistent than Katherine McPhee. We shall see....

A lot of things are going through my head right now. Some people may say 'let go', but it's hard to do so because I still don't understand the things that happen and what is going through that person's mind. It's especially hard when I don't have the answers. Do I need to understand in order to let go?

Before I end...

I like this statement by James Hudson Taylor, 'Do not have your concert first and tune your instruments afterward. Begin the day with God'. To everyone of you, begin your day with God and allow Him to lead you throughout the whole day!

Letters

Today I'm so happy I received a postcard from my friend who's in Camp Camerons. Didn't expect him to send me one. :p Yesterday Miss Close-and-Gila friend sent me a letter and today from his postcard, I found out both of them are in the same chalet. She's the mama, he's the son. How ironic. I wonder how the mama is treating her son...hehe..Looks like they're having a blast up there while I'm down here moaning and groaning to myself. Oh well, I think the good thing is I'm having the rest that I need but then too much rest can make a person so lazy and unproductive. Now I'm trying to study the book of 1st Samuel and hopefully I can finish studying 1st and 2nd Samuel in these 11/2 months of holiday.

Cycling

I don't think my friends know that I like to cycle. It's weird though but yeah, that's me-I like cycling. I find it so peaceful and I'm able to reflect on certain things. Once in a while I'll be able to spot a few familiar car number plates when I'm cyling along the road of my Taman beside the main road (I don't know how to describe this) and most of the time, in the evenings the sky would look so beautiful with different hues of orange and purple adorning it.

Myfriend

I just cannot get over this. I really cherish the friendship we had (still have) but I still don't know what's the problem that caused both of us not to talk. That's what I feel is happening now. Like I said, I'm so shy when it comes to approaching different people. Yup,it's a real disadvantage to me. But that's me. I'm trying my best to talk. Of course some people would say that I talk a lot but only to them that I talk a lot.Sigh.Myfriend has been a very good friend to me and to others also. Quite encouraging at times(most of the time) and is a good Christian. Sometimes I'm confused. I wonder why do I bother so much of not being able to talk to Myfriend. Why do I trouble myself with this? I think I know the answer. I really feel like telling this person what I feel. I might be feeling tired of keeping it all to myself although Miss Close-And-Gila friend who's in Camerons knows about this. I might be feeling tired of speculating things and figuring out the possiblities of why this is happening. Why? Why? I really would like to know if it's my fault then probably I could fix it. Then again I wont get the answer because I'm a coward. I'm too afraid to aprroach Myfriend.

Blog

I don't care if people read my blog or not. It's just a place where I could just pour out my feelings although I would not want to spill the beans and let anyone know what exactly is happening in my life :p And I've not reached that stage where I will infuse serious issues in my posts. Not yet. Maybe once in a blue moon or when I'm ready to do so. I don't know.....

Pain

There are times when the least expected circumstances occur in my life. Well, now I'm in that kind of situation. I thought my holidays would be a joyful one where I'd be enjoying each passing day doing something productive. I thought that there will not be any problems in my life especially during the holidays. No. I've been caught up in a series of slight depression and feeling a little bit sad sometimes. It is not clearly shown on my face but it hurts so bad inside me especially when I have nothing to keep me busy and the time that I have is used in figuring out why certain things happen. It's frustrating not knowing the answers to all the questions that keeps popping in my mind. This whole problem is revolving around one person. I don't know why Myfriend has suddenly changed. Or have I changed? I'm so confused at times of why this is happening to me. I'm so confused because I don't have the answers to why Myfriend is like that. Maybe I'm exaggerating. I really don't know. I keep on thinking back to the few times when I could have a full conversation with Myfriend face to face but now it has become almost impossible to do so. Sometimes I wish I have the courage to approach people( esp Myfriend). I have the tendency of being an introvert in front certain people and an extrovert in front of another group of people (I'm an ambivert, hah, at least I've not forgotten what I've learnt in psychology)....ahhh!....I feel like running to a beach and shouting at the wide ocean in front of me.

I'm struggling. I've been having long conversations with God. But I thank Him that I'm still sane and have not gone bonkers. I am reminded about something. My relationship with God is above all other relationshps. I will not allow the problems that I'm facing in my relationship with people to weaken my relationship with God.

You

I didn't expect for it to happen like this

I thought everything was fine until one day everything just changed

You suddenly became cold

You were not the person I knew

Till today I do not know why you are reacting like this

Did I say something wrong?

Did I let you down?

There are many questions waiting to be answered

Only you can answer them

But it will never happen. I know

There isn't a moment when I will not think about you

The more I think the more hurtful it gets

How long will it go on?

How long will I hold on to this useless hope?

When will I let it go?

When will I let you go?

:-(

:-)

:-