Very often I ask God why He had put me into situations where I can't seem to cope with. Why was I born at the wrong time? Why does everything feel so strange to me? These are the type of questions I often question God . I absolutely know well that my whole life is in God's hands and he planned it long, long time ago and God doesn't make mistakes but why is there this feeling of sadness and loneliness in me? I don't know but I guess time will change everything and maybe when I'm older, I'd be able to understand everything better.

WORSHIP
I still remember Colin shared to us about 'worship' during RBS, that the most important aspect in worship is to worship God in spirit and in truth. Of course, I guess everyone knows this for sure because it is in the Bible but do everyone really apply this in their lives? It is hard to come before God with a troubled heart and especially if we have problems with other people and we find it hard to forgive them. We can't ask God for forgiveness if we cannot forgive others. I personally feel that it is so hard to come forward to God if I myself have not been living a righteous live.

Worship is not directed to ourselves but to God. Sometimes I feel that we are too carried away by the style of worship that we tend to put our focus on the music, how well the musicians performing, how well are we singing, rather than focusing on God himself. It seems like we are entertaining ourselves rather than entertaining God!

There is no such word 'singspiration' and the term is used by many churches. Well, this was something new to me when I heard that 'Singspiration' is actually a name of a Christian song book so maybe it's appropriate for us to use 'Praise and Worship' rather than 'singspiration'. I still remember the look on Colin's face when he told us the word 'singspiration' doesn't exist. Well he seemed sick and tired of people..(Malaysians).. often using the term 'singpsiration' which is not even found in the dictionary!...heheh!....

The year is going to end.....

This year has been a blast for me because so many different things happened all in one year. Started off this year by attending RBS(Residential Bible School) which was really interesting. I can't seem to take my mind away from it. I met many new friends and staying at Cameron Highlands for a month was awesome! I just love the weather up there and the food was very,very nice! Of course I'd to get used to the humid weather here after staying there for a month! But above all, I drew closer to God and I rededicate my life to Him. I learnt a lot about the Word and also some Christian theology. Our mission trip which was part of RBS, also taught me a great deal of things but I wished I had done more things during the mission trip to Skudai. But, it was a blessing from God, to be in a church which I didn't know it existed!

And then came my SPM results! I was indeed satisfied with myself but I do hope to try much harder next year which I know I will. Going to form 6 was rather a big deal for me because it is something different from secondary school. Although the thought of going to school still remains and have not changed, but the style of studying has indeed changed for me. I feel more independent and of course I need to depend on myself, a little bit on the teachers, for me to achieve. Well, I'm proud to be in form 6, because it's the final stage of school, and also, I can show off to the lower forms that I'm much older than them!...heheh!...I'm older this year, that's right....Anyway, I found school quite interesting this year because I was interested in the subjects especially Biology and Chemistry. I do hope that next year would be even better as it's examination year but I don't want to limit my interests just because of exams.

oh well.....time just passes by very fast...before we can enjoy today to the fullest, tomorrow has come.........

I hear the sound of the thunder, I feel the strong wind blowing, I see black clouds moving above me, I hear the rustling of the coconut tree leaves.....the rain has arrived.

Today has been just like any other day but it's not over yet. It's still evening and I have a prayer meeting to attend after this.

Joshua 3:9 - So Joshua told the Israelites,"Come and listen to what the LORD your God says.

Joshua was getting the attention of the Israelites, who were traveling at that moment, to listen to what God has to say to them. Picture the Israelites being excited or maybe nervous because they were about to cross the Jordan river. I was reading the whole of Joshua Chapter 3 and this verse reminded me that in times of busyness and sometimes chaos, we need to be still and focus on God. The commentary in my Bible(Life Application Study Bible) says that we must not get caught up with our busy schedule until we don't have time to hear what God is trying to say to us. As for me, it's strange and funny to know that even though I'm not that busy(during the holidays) I also tend to lose my focus on God! Even that I can lose sight of God, what if I'm so caught up with work? Well, I guess this verse applies to everyone, be it a lazy bum like me(heheh!) or a worker. After the Israelites have settled down for a moment after being called by Joshua, then God gave His sweet assurance in verse 10 that 'today you will know that the Living God is among you.....' and for evermore.

I was doing my daily devotion and this poem which I read is really inspiring....

Taken from 'Streams In The Desert' by LB Cowman, a book of daily devotional readings

Once I heard a song of sweetness,
As it filled the morning air,
Sounding in its blest completeness,
Like a tender, pleading prayer,
And I sought to find the singer,
Where the wondrous song was borne,
And I found a bird, quite wounded,
Pinned down by a cruel thorn.

I have seen a soul in sadness,
While its wings with pain were furled,
Giving hope, and cheer and gladness
That should bless a weeping world
And I knew that life of sweetness,
Was of pain and sorrow borne,
And a stricken soul was singing,
With its heart against a thorn.

You are told of One who loved you,
Of a Savior crucified,
You are told of nails that held Him,
And a spear that pierced His side;
You are told of cruel scourging,
Of a Savior bearing scorn,
And He died for your salvation,
With His brow against a thorn.

You "are not above the Master."
Will you breathe a sweet refrain?
And His grace will be sufficient,
When your heart is pierced with pain.
Will you live to bless His loved ones,
Though your life be bruised and torn,
Like the bird that sang so sweetly,
With its heart against a thorn?

Time really flies! I've been having some trouble with this blog and faced some minor problems plus I really didn't have the mood to type anything here. School holidays are going to end in a few weeks time and this will be my final year end school holidays because next year will be my last year of school! Am I really excited about that? Not really. Next year I'll be sitting for my major exam which will somehow determine my career and my future. I still don't know what I want to do! Ah well....I'm still praying about it and asking God's guidance.

Sometimes I'm really not sure of whether I should continue blogging or not. I don't know what is the future of this blog because my mood really fluctuates, sometimes I really don't feel like doing something, sometimes I really get all excited when I want to do something else.I guess I'm not the only person who's like that,right? Or maybe it's me alone...sheesh...

The month of December has been quite interesting for me. I learnt more about the Bible and I drew closer to God...but life has not been easy going,though...with a lot of emotional experiences with my personal life and also with church...Well, this past few days I learnt about the power of prayer. The evangelistic meeting which our church had was truly a miracle and blessing from God. The gospel meeting was held at our church outreach in Chodoi,a small Chinese village. I realise from this meeting, and also from my mum, that prayer is indeed very powerful. Everything went smoothly, the dances, the message and praise God, about 12 people accepted Christ! I truly believe that God wants us to realise His presence and rely on His power.

One day Jesus told his disciples......their need for constant prayer and to show them that they must never give up. Luke 18:1(New Living Translation)

DRASTIC!

Wow, it's been one day! Got up early in the morning to follow daddy to PJ. Then went with him to Midvalley to watch a movie. He saw Basic and I saw Brother Bear. Awesome! Both the outing and the movie which I saw! Brother Bear was fantastic! I almost cried several times! Well, it's been some time since I saw an animated film. Finding Nemo was the last time. Came back home and couldn't wait to watch 'JMillionnaire' plus it was the finale(My beloved country is a bit outdated in the latest entertainment so I can't blame the TV station for not airing this show earlier) Anyway, I'm happy that he picked Zora because she looks decent and innocent. Well, my anticipation has ended and the winner has been chosen but I'm not happy...even after watching the show...I just read from the internet that both of them remain as friends only. Nothing more happened after this show. I think I blame it on the media for not giving them enough privacy and now I really thank God for giving me a normal life to live. What can people actually do if the whole world is watching them? I pity those who have taken part in this show and I feel that it is not right to violate a person's privacy although it may sound glamorous and exciting. I still thank God I'm an ordinary girl,nothing glamorous to expect from me. Is wealth everything? I think this show, which wants us to assume that wealth is not everything, got me thinking that actually people in this world really crave for money!.......sad......

Thinking Back...

I don't know why I really enjoy thinking about the events that have happened but I find it depressing at times because I want those events to repeat. But of course, reality doesn't permit it to happen again and life has to still go on. Now, I'm looking back just a few days ago when I attended the FES dinner. Well, I think I had a great time because I saw a friend from RBS and also Uncle Hilmy! I so wanted to see (him) but too bad he didn't turn up or maybe he came but I didn't see him. too bad. Anyway, as I said, I had a great time. I'm proud of Mike because he has been an FES full time worker for a few years. Proud to be his sister although the age gap is quite big but who sees that anyway. It's really nice to tell people especially students whom he work with that I'm his little sister...hahaha....I don't know why...it's that brother sister thingy again....
I just can't wait to enter uni. but I don't want it to come so fast because I still have not decided what degree I want to take! Medicine is out because I just can't stand a doctor's life after looking at Tim's life. A doctor in a family is enough and there's no need for 2! I've been thinking about Genetics and also Forensic Science and also speech therapy[because of Mrs Mike :o) ]but I still don't know what to choose! Well, have to find God's will for me first. Let Him lead the way.

Sometimes I wonder how if a family member or someone I'm scared of...if there is any.. haha...find out about this blog! I have absolutely nooo idea!

At last, there's some sort of improvment in this blog. A bit of colours here and there...hehe.. But again, I've to remind myself that there's more for me to learn. But the problem is, I find that blogging really takes up so much of my time. Remember, there's much more to life than blogging! I guess when life has become pretty boring, no friends around, then only I start posting my thoughts on the computer. My final year end school holidays are still on and I'm quite busy with tuitions and bio projects and of course studying! STPM next year!. Wow, it's been so fast. Life has been passing by so fast and without realising it, I'm going into my twenties!. Of course, that will be in one year time...come to think about it, God has been sustaining my life for more than 18 years. What is His plan for me in the future? Currently, I really don't see myself being an ideal Christian. Of course there's no such thing as an ideal Christian because we are all sinful and are living by the grace of God. I feel that I'm not fulfilling my duties as a Christian because I don't see myself telling my friends the gospel. All I see in myself is a Christian girl, striving to be ahead of others...in her studies...I don't know why...Maybe the time has not come or maybe I'm too blinded by my own interests. Maybe I'm still young. But God doesn't see age as a limiting factor so how am I to overcome this problem in my life?. Maybe, I still need time to grow spritually. I'm not ready to share the gospel to others yet maybe because I feel that I need to learn more about the Bible...and also have more faith in God.

A revival!

Finally, after a long period of absence!. As if lar anyone's going to care about this blog except for me. Posting my thoughts in this blog is very much like me talking to myself and no one else. Except for God. That's for sure. He's everywhere and I'm sure He's smiling at me now. He's smiling at all His children here on earth. Another reason why I feel that posting my thoughts here is like me talking to myself is because no one else is reading it and I still don't know how to add some features here. Well, of course I'm still learning but the whole process is so slow!....why do I even bother?. Is it because I want some recognition for what I'm doing? Is that it?.....

Yay!

Well, my previous post was published. So now I know, this computer is still capabable of fulfilling its duties as a computer. Actually, I'm enjoying my time here in the computer lab. The room is cold because of the air-conds. It's quite comfortable sitting on this plastic chair. There's no one disturbing me. Most of all, I'm resting my mind thoroughly because I'm not studying at all!. Of course, I'll be having boring MUET after this, so I've to start refreshing my language skills. What can I say, I'm actually practising my writing skills right now at this very moment!. Typing out my thoughts on this computer isn't wasting time at all, I'm also practising my English launguge skills...cool...See, I'm spending some quality time using this computer during Chemistry period!. Of course I'm not learning Chem right now, although I'm supposed to, but I more productive when I learn Chem at home. Okay. enough of contemplating for today. It's 10 o'clock already.
Before, that. It's quite strange that I'm hyperactive today, so full of energy. It's unusual for me to be like that. But anyhow, I thank God for making me happy today. I thank God for sustaining my breath!
Now, let's see whether this post will be published or not....fingers crossed!

School computer

I'm telling you, the school computer which I'm using is really testing my patience. Silly computer. Arggghh...I"m not sure whether my post will be published of not! But yet again, I've to remind myself the main purpose of me using this computer-to find information about Chemistry because our Chemistry teacher told us to!
Anyway, I'm now at my school's computer lab and we're supposed to study Chemistry. But no one seem to be learning anything. How can we learn anything with ultra slow computers? We'll go mad. We are going mad already. Well, anyway I"m still not sure whether my post will be published or not, so I better don't type anything long. But then again, if I stop typing now and start sending this post, then I've to wait for millions of seconds(I can hear my friend lamenting on how long to computer is taking to load the page!). On the other hand, I can type a lot and then send it after spending some quality time on the computer. And then it'll be worth waiting for this damn computer to load the stupid page. But what will happens after I click 'Send your post'? Will it get lost in the web and never appear again? Or will I see my post nicely tugged with the previous posts?
Really mind bogglingt,trying to figure out the all the probabilities. Again, stupid computer. ok. I'm going to try to send this post. If it's published, then I'll be happy.hurrah.Claps for this slow computer. If it's not going to be published, no one's going to see this post. So what's the point of me typing then? Oh well, let me remind myself again. My whole purpose of using this computer is to while away my time during Chemistry.ok. I'm going to send my post. Whether it's going to get lost or not, it's totally God's will..or not..Anyway I don't care...Of course I care!. I spent about half an hour loading up this page and another 15 minutes or so typing this post. I'm going to click 'Preview Your Post'. What happens after that, I don't know....

Today is Thursday

Yeah,yeah...I've got to admit that I'm really lousy at updating my blog. It's not like as if anyone reads my blog because no one knows about it. Although I wish that someone who's in my mind right now will come to know about this blog.If that ever happens-lah. Oh how childish I am! Well, finally I got sick on Monday. Actually my stupid headache started last Thursday and it carried on for days until came along my dear and irritating fever on Monday which carried on until Tuesday. Didn't study for so many days but Thank God my brains are still functioning but I'm not 100 percent sure they're in perfect condition or not because I've been feeling so sleepy. Don't know why. Maybe because of the so called rainy season which has hit Banting. Banting. Will I ever forgot her name? Stupid town I tell you. I wonder when are they going to finish doing up all the roads. Even Putrajaya has been built with perfect road conditions within a few years. But the stretch of road between Klang and Banting has never been completed and God knows when it has been like that. For years. Many, many torturous years. And years to come. Stupid Banting.
Yay, Mike has come back from Amsterdam after attending the IFES conference. Went out for a Thai dinner with him and Wuey Ping and of course Daddy and Mummy on Tuesday. Before that, I took a bus to PJ, on the day which I ponteng school because I was still sick..kononnya..then I went to Coffee Bean. I had absolutely no idea what to order because I've never been to Coffee Bean! Talk about a country mouse coming out from it's coconut shell! Nah, it's just that I've never stepped into Coffee Bean because I never had the slightest intention to try out the coffees or anything there because of the high prices...not too high..Of course if you want to feel a bit classy, then I'd suggest that you check it out. Not because you want to try out the menu but you know, to be part of the 'in' group. Malaysians. What can you expect. So I sat there, among the so called 'elite' group of people, sipping my tasteless iced cappucino. Apparently, I made the wrong decision in ordering my tasteless iced cappucino because I didn't see a single person drinking tasteless iced cappucino!. But you know, in order to maintain my 'coolness', I had to just take my cup and walk towards an empty seat, pretending that I'm holding the one drink which is always drunk by everyone. Who goes to Coffee Bean just to drink Ice Cappucino? yuks. It tastes horrid. Remember, maintain 'coolness'. Just pretend to sip your drink with total satisfaction. Lessons learnt on that day-
1.Never Buy Ice cappucino again.
2. Try to dig any sources without losing your 'coolness' to find out which is THE drink or food to order at Coffee Bean. You want to be part of the 'elite' group.

AAHH.......Human beings. We are never satisfied with things. We want some enjoyment and excitement in our lives. We want to be recognised among our own human race. We want to be part of the 'elite' group. But the main question, is it worth it? Of course, there's no harm getting some little enjoyment in our lives which are harmless, definitely. But is it worth it, doing things just for our own pleasure and enjoyment? What is God's purpose in creating us human beings? I believe, He created us so that we can have fellowship with Him. He wants us to have an intimate relationship with Him and to know Him better. Sad to say, this world is so blinded by materialism that it is not able to feel and experience God. This world doesn't want to acknowledge God and His Divine purposes and strength. Sad.

Sunday Worship

Went to church today. When I'm not spiritually sound or when I was not being faithful to God or I've not been feeding on His Word daily, I find it hard to worship God every Sunday. It's like I'm a hypocrite. Praising God but I'm not doing it in Spirit and in Truth. Telling others to trust in God but I myself am not faithful to Him. Teaching the Sunday School kids that Jesus loves them but I myself am in doubts. Well, that is how I feel at times. I guess those things happen when I'm not close to God. I do not have an intimate relationship with him. God want's me to draw close to Him and He will draw close to me.It is important for Christians to prepare themselves for the whole week before going to church on Sunday. I remember Daddy saying that during his sermon. We can't worship God with an unprepared heart. Maybe when life gets too easy, I tend to live life my own way and shut God away from all my activites. I am too comfortable because I've yet to face any trials. When trials and problems appear suddenly, that's when I start asking God for help. God must be feeling so sad because He created us and we end up betraying Him. This morning, I realise that God wants us to have child-like faith and come closer to Him. As we get older, we seem to have so many questions that lead us to so many doubts. As I get older, I tend to question God a lot and the 'problem' is He doesn't give me all the answers. Sounds so frustrating, right? But the truth is He wants me to mature and to keep growing. He wants us Christians to continue running the race with Christ at the end of the race. He doesn't give us the answers because He wants us to trust Him and to draw closer to Him. I want to draw closer to God and to study His word. I've to admit, sometimes after reading the Bible I would not meditate on the words or sometimes I'll be too sleepy and I won't know what I'm reading. It is so wrong. I just read a fellow Christian's blog, who is a Malaysian but I have absolutey no idea who he is. He gave a simple yet meaningful illustration which I really understood. Indeed, it's no use if we read the Bible from front to back just to be content with ourselves, without knowing the real 'scenery' and 'beauty' of each book really brings. I thank God that this Christian chap has made me realise the value of the Bible. It is inspired by God. God wants us to have the utmost desire to know Him better.


~sigh~Something is on my mind. Looking back at those times. It's hard to accept the fact that I might not have the chance to meet him..again..He is so different from others, someone who has a heart after God. Maybe I'll meet him again, I do not know. But one thing, I'm glad that he has dedicated His life to the Lord and he is serving well in his church and his yf. I've been so immature these past few years. I didn't know the true meaning of love although I thought I knew. But I was wrong. Everything happened too fast and I was not given enough space. But I thank God that He made me realise the truth-It's Not The Right Time.
He has someone else better for me. I'm waiting. I really hope that he will be like that person, or maybe he himself. Let God decide what's best..for me..and..for him..

It's been ages

It's been many days since I've typed in this blog. The reason for my long absence is maybe because of my frustration over this stupid computer and the ever confusing network. I tried to 'instal' the comment thingy so that in future people may drop some comments on my blog but I failed many times...arrgghh...at times I really hate using the stupid computer because it really weakens my human will. I've given up hope. My blog will the most boring blog ever. I know I'm such a computer illiterate but I just don't want to waste precious time doing something which will turn out to be nothing. Oh well, looks like I'm stuck with this plain, liveless blog forever. I'm doomed. Will someone help me? Anyone? There's a zero possibility anyone's reading my posts. How I wish that one person is reading what I'm typing here. How I wish...

Yet another day...

Dear Lord Jesus, I thank You for another new chapter of my life. Thank You for sustaining my breath and my heartbeat! ~Amen~

Well, today has been another new day for me. Just like any other days, it has been almost the same. Had to go to school and face all the same faces,yet again. At least today the lower 6 formers had some sort of motivational talk from some of the concern teachers. Surprisingly I gave my full attention to what they were speaking in front. Maybe because I was totally bored with my usual routine of going to school to study and then suddenly there's this minor change of plan where students are needed to go to the school hall. Thank God it was during my bio period. I almost went off to sleep when miss-boring-yet-hardworking was explaining about our practical experiments in front of the science lab. So when this prefect comes in and announces that all the lower six students must go into the hall, my heart leaped for joy! Finally I am saved from this misery! Finally there's an anticipation for my dying soul! In the hall, few teachers were seated on the stage and a lady teacher has already started her talk. The whole thing was for the teachers to give some encouragements and some advice to the almost half dead lower six formers. Of course, it's already middle of the year and the school is facing students with dying spirits. We have lost the spirit to study and there is no anticipation to come to school and study. We have lost all the excitement of studying!. Even I myself have to definitely admit that. The 'ponteng' syndrome has already started among us and the school is so worried about that because they feel that it's jeopardizing the school's academic qualities. As for me, I feel that there are 2 types of groups that skip school. The 1st group are the useless bums who have no intention whatsoever of studying. So the main purpose they skip school is because they're so sick and tired of studying that they feel they must have some 'rest' at home. So the hopeless bums fall into this category. The 2nd group are for the hardworking and studious ones...like me of course...hah!...
We skip school on certain days because we feel that we're going to be more productive at home. That happens when we have 2 perriods of maths, chemistry
and MUET on that day. My maths teacher knows nuts about form 6 maths and she makes maths as if it seem so easy because she assumes that all her students know their maths well so she doesn't make it a point to teach us well. So there's no point attending her class. I'd rather stay at home and do the maths questions given by my tuition teacher. This goes the same for Chemistry and MUET. My MUET teacher can't even speak proper english so how can we expect her to teach us excellent english beyond our own capabilities? Oh well, we can't expect much from our teacher's these days but one thing which we all should know is that our teachers are striving hard to give us the best. The lazy teachers are exceptional, of course. But to have a bigger view and understanding, we should treat them as adults who are trying to help us, the so called adults too. They are offering us a service, so we can choose to either accept it with a grateful heart or to ignore it. But sometimes there are situations that don't permit us to look at the good side of our teachers. That happens when we face pressure in our studies and we feel that the teachers are not helping at all in overcoming this problem. I guess I often face that type of situation where I do not appreciate my teachers' effort. Today has made me realise how much of commitment the teachers at my school put so that the students will benefit. Of course,again, the lazy teachers are exceptional because they will never change even until dooms day.

As I start looking back on the events that has happened this whole month, I start to cherish them in my heart. Yup, I'm still thinking about lifechapel's annual retreat at Fraser's Hills that ended exactly 1 month ago. I've met so many people and also friends from RBS. Chris, Wyzek, Sam. It was good to see them again after a long period of time although I didn't get to talk much to them because of my stupid shyness. I miss the fellowship that I had with their church members. I long for this same type of fellowship here in Banting but it will never come to reality. Every church is different and who am I to say which church is better and which is not.There isn't a perfect church. I know that God has a given me a special purpose in my church here and he wants me to serve according to the gifts that I have. I'm glad that I'm serving in the MYF. But still there's a longing for me to get close to the members without having the language barrier. Attending lifechapel's camp was indeed a blessing. I too learnt a lot through Daddy's messages about holiness during the camp. I wish I'd be able to attend a camp like this again. Oh, how I miss all the aunties that were quite close to mummy!...strange...

Finally!

well,I've finally made it here. A whole new blog just for myself.I wonder if I would consantly use it but at least there is something to look forward to whenever I'm using the com...forget my usual routine of checking my mailbox and deleting all the useless junk mails.This is the same as writing in my journal/my prayers book only in a different mode.But I still prefer the old fashion way of penning down my thoughts in a book.Oh well, times have changed and it's rapidly changing.I would not want to be left out in this so called sci and tech era but anyway I feel that it's interesting using the computer in a more productive way. Well today has been the same like any other days. School was...a bit productive...at least I struggled and understood what my boring bio teacher was teaching...photosynthesis..but i'm still precessing the facts in my head and I really don't know whether it'll stay put in my brains or not. Most probably tomorrow I'll forget the complicating process of photosynthesis. Life in form 6 is definitely different compared to form 5. It's so hard to digest all the facts and worst still there are so much of facts to rememeber. I wonder how Timmy got 5 A's in his STPM. What to do,he's the brainy one of the family cos he's the first born and that means he gets extra nutritions from mummy. Anyway, it's good to have a smart brother in a family. Not every child has the same abilities and qualities. That's how God created this world and He loves variety. Everyone has different sets of talents and gifts. Imagine everyone having the same qualities...eeks...what will this world be...Got to study now.Can't wait to finish form 6 and start Uni. Can't wait to get into UM!