Today doesn't feel like a Sunday

The feeling is so odd. I'm sitting in the library on a Sunday afternoon. I didn't go back home this weekened. I didn't go to my church and I didn't meet the people whom I always meet every week. I can't watch my favourite shows on TV. I can't chat on MSN messenger.*sigh* Maybe I'm just too spoilt. I just wonder how I'm going to cope next time when I'm posted to a school. far, far away(if that happens lar), I might not be able to come back so often.

I was so reluctant to come back to UM during our holidays but last Wednesday and Thursday I had choir practice in college. But it didn't turn out the way I thought it would be. I felt it was fun and not too stressful. I thought also I would be bored but actually I enjoyed it caused I had a lot of laughing sessions among the choir members and our irritating choir master..hehe..I thank God that although it may be stressful at times I can still enjoy the time of practicing and being with my choir members. I think I should also get to know them better because I don't know some of them.

Friday and Saturday were really, really, really, busy and (maybe stressful) days for me. I have never attended a meeting that will go on for at least 13 hours a day, what more two days in a row. PKV had its commitee planning retreat on those two days. It was not a retreat I can tell you and it's only the first part. Our second part is in March and I wonder how it will be. But to look on the positive side, I feel that it's truly an eye opener for me because it is something that I have never experienced before. I thank God that it went on well and I pray that each one of the commitee member has gained something out of it although it was just evaluating and planning. I pray that we will continue to see the needs of PKV and to know that in everything that we do, we do it for God's glory and honour.

So many things are happening in my life. I have so many feelings and emotions about certain things and issues. Sometimes I don't really know what is my true indentity. There is so much more to discover and experience in life, I sometimes feel whether I will be able to cope. But I still keep walking, I still keep moving on...

Happy Valentine's Day!...to yours truly and to those who are reading(if there is any..heheh)

Every year, I look forward to this day. Not that I expect much to happen to me(really, nothing significant has ever happen in my life on this day). It's just that I like to wish something special will happen. But then is it worth it, thinking like that? I have everything that I need. My family loves me so much and I know that my God loves me with a love that can never fail. One thing I enjoy though is reading in the newspapers about how people put in so much effort to make this a special day for their loved ones:-buying hundreds of roses that cost almost a month's salary for some people, and today in the papers it was highlighted that someone is going to receive a huge red bear which costs about RM900 something.My gosh, where on earth is she going to put it? I wonder what her reaction is when the big teddy bear is sent to her office. What will my rection be...hmm..If only he could just give me that RM900 and let me spend it freely.

It is weird, to know that amidst of all the celebration about love, there is so much more going on in this world. The world is broken. We live in a broken world where there is so much of suffering and pain. People inflicting pain on others. Why? Because everyone has different beliefs and principles of life. If you don't accept what I believe, then you must suffer the consequences. What I think is right but you may think it's wrong. People have become so self-centred and yet they are so angry most of the time.

Something that I look forward to...

'Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away..' Revelation 21:1

'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'

Revelation 21:3

If I were to compare myself to when I was 18/19 years old, I feel that I'm so different. Now I can be so moody and sometimes so melancholic..I also don't know why..probably because everything is so different and its like a transition period for me. Also I think I've become more demanding not for material things lar..but rather I want things according to my way so I ask God to do this, this and this...terrible me..

Anyway I thank God for what happened this month. Chinese New Year was a real hebat time for me. Everyone came back and the house was packed with people. We had an additional member, baby Laura with us to celebrate this time...hmm..it seems that ever year there will be a new member..God is good! :-) As usual mummy cooked her trademark dish-oyster chicken which is my favourite dish. Something unique about my family is that during our reunion dinner, there will be three Chinese(and another half Chinese half Kadazan), 5 Chindians, 3 Indian-Chinese-Kadazan, the rest are Indians ..let me see did I leave out anyone? :P it's complicated but it's truly Malaysian...we have the 3 main races in our family: Chinese, Indian and Bumiputera. Then as usual we will have some yee sang Wuey Ping will prepare it every year. It's not everyone's favourite but I like it a little..hehe..Well, overall, I had a great time. In fact more than I had during Christmas because this time everyone was at home...hmm...but let's see..If I marry a Chinese then I wont be able to come back during new year then everyone will miss me...hehe..what am I talking ..it's a long time more.

Well, I hope to be more optimistic in life. To look at the brighter side of it and not to remain in the dark side. But it's hard to say. Suddenly you are thrown into a situation which you don't really like. And then when we feel so uncomfortable, we start to complain. I think life can be interesting and colourful. It's how we choose to see it and live it. I think today is a happy day for me..thank God..I just pray that everyday will be the same :-)

My latest favourite song by Delirious?
Stronger

We're getting stronger every day
WE're getting braver in every way
Hallelujah here we come
We're getting stronger everday
Push through the waves that fall our way
Hallelujah, here we come
We're much stronger when we're one
Hallelujah here we come

Oh, I love you from the depths of my heart
And nothing here will tear us apart
Everything's beautiful with You
Everything's beautiful when you invade my life
And I'm living just to say I love you

We're getting closer everyday
Chasing the dreams that heaven gave
Hallelujah, here we come
We're getting closer every day
Into your arms I'm here to stay
We're much stronger when we're one
Hallelujah, here we come
Yes, I love You
Oh, I love You

It's so late...why am I not sleeping?..feel like blogging..

I don't really like Sundays because I know I have to go back to uni the next day but I really look forward to Fridays because I can come home. Today I taught Sunday School and I thank God that the two boys understood what I taught. Somtimes it's hard to teach them because I don't know what they are thinking and it's so hard for them to respond. Well, it's a good thing that they know what I taught them. This week will be another hectic week for me. I will be having two tests this thursday. I think during this time of hardship, God wants me to learn many things. But I still don't know what I'm learning. Maybe its patience and perseverance. I know I'm not a very patient person and I really need to be patient more often. I guess when I'm really weak and troubled, it's time for me to surrender my life to God. So often I do things according to my own strength and that's why I always feel tired.

I think despite of all the problems, I can still be joyful. Joy does not depend on circumstances. We can be joyful even though we face trials. This is something I hope to learn in this time of hardship. Hope that I can be joyful all the time.

I'm feeling tired.So tired. So many things are on my mind and it has been a great burden for me to carry. I just wish I can escape everything but I can't. This is the reality of life. It can't be easy all the time. This semester, I have classes from morning till afternoon and most of the days I only go back to my room in the evening. I got so much to study and so many assignments. I really feel like giving up but I can't, I must move on. I'm phisycally tired and mentally tired. I wonder if I can cope. I just entrust everything to God.

I hope to share with someone so that I can release the pressure in me..

I...

I wish......I wish......I wish.....
And nothing happens
Feeling down.....
And then it happens.....
I feel happy.....
And then suddenly....
I'm down again.....
These are my feelings...
About something.....
About someone....

I'm force to think. This is what my education subjects require me to do. It's not that my Science subjects don't make me think but this time it's thinking in a different way. What is my philosophy as a teacher? First of all I don't really like the word philosophy. It sounds so self-centred and what others think don't matter to me. But then come to think of it, this word has
made me realise my role as a teacher (or a teacher-to-be). What is my moral stand? What do I want to instil into my students? What type of knowledge do I want to emphasize?

I want my students to appreciate what they learn and be able to apply whenever necessary. I like it when teachers make me have interest in the certain subject. My physics teacher made me hate the subject so much and because of that I didn't really understand what I was studying. I think everyone has a unique personality even those who are in the last class. Even students with disciplinary problems have feelings and emotions. Will I ignore these group of people and stereotype them as failures who will not succeed in life? But most importantly will I have the patience when I face such people?

I just can't imagine what teacher I would be. Will I be inspiring? Will I be destructive? There are just so many questions. I can only answer them as time goes by.

Today was a fun day. Sometime our relatives can make us laugh and laugh. We had our reunion lunch in Klang and we have it every year. My uncle told us that he had to take his dog to the vet. He had to fill up a card which needed all the dog's particulars. On the space where he needed to write the dog's name, he wrote the name Dino s/o Donno...Mike and I couldn't stop laughing..heheh..Indeed it's so impossible to know the father of a dog, especially if its not a pedigree.

And our little Miss Debbie entertained us with her new stunt. While she was lying down, she was holding her milk bottle with her two feet (not her hands!) and drinking from it...Who knows, one day she might be a gymnast! And she always says 'WOW!' when she likes something..

I thank God for happy times, when we can all laugh together. I thank God for sad times, when we can encourage and comfort one another. I thank God for stressful times, when we can lean on one another. I thank God for trials, so we can can be stronger. I thank God...that I can depend on Him for everything.

An old year has gone, a new year has arrived

BUT
I don't feel so excited...
I didn't wish to feel like that but..
I still can't let go of my feelings..the feelings still want to stay in me but..
I've got to let go and move on because..
I can't continue to live my life always feeling disappointed..
God has a better plan for me..
So I try to remind myself ..
It's hard..
To just think I've got to let go..
Will there be any hope left?
Just one more chance?
It's hard to let go of these emotions..

So I've started my classes...

I've decided to drop my Chemistry subject after knowing that its very tough from my seniours. I don't want to take a hard subject for one of my luar jabatan courses because my main subjects are tough enough. So for my luar jabatan subjects, I plan to take a geology and a geography subject next semester.

I'm slowly beginning to like this new semester and it really takes time. I want to thank God for what had happened today. You see, I went in slightly late for my Asas Falsafah & Pendidikan class(forgot to ask my friend to keep a seat for me,silly me) because I was in the computer lab trying to change my subjects. So..I had to sit on the stairs with some others. And then the lecturer came is and she told all those who were sitting on the stairs to leave the lecture hall and join the other class...Oh no!... If there's no more space then I had to drop the subject. But then suddenly, a girl from behind me told me that there's en extra seat. Thank God!. I was the only one from the rest who did not need to go out. What a day.

And I think my biology lecturer is a Christian because she said ' Hallulujah, thank God' after saying that we only discover what is there on earth because we humans cannot make those things(such as our human cell, plants, etc) She's been so encouraging to us during our first lesson. And she said that God has a plan for putting us here in UM even though we may not like it. Since we're placed here, we must do our best in everything and enjoy the life here. See, our lectures won't be so boring if we have lecturers like her.

Semester kedua, Sesi 2005/2006

I'm having the mood to update my blog which doesn't come so frequently.

It's after 12am, a new day, a new semester. I'm really trying to be optimistic here because I really don't have the mood to go back to uni. Well, life still goes on,rite?. I'm satisfied with my previous semester's results. Really, it's by God's strength and His mercy that I got those results. Quite sad because I don't have anymore Geology subjects. I really enjoyed studying it, suprisingly, and also because of much encouragement from my sister.

So this new semester, I'm taking the following papers:
TITAS II
Biologi Populasi
Biologi Sel
Amali Biologi
Prinsip-prinsip Kimia
Asas Falsafah Dan Pendidikan di Malaysia
Perancangan Ko-Kurikulum Dalam Sains

I commit everything to God...

Move in me

A very meaningful song by Michael W. Smith

I am only human
Struggling to find
Confidence in all that I believe
You are only holy
You are love divine
And you have said to ask and I'll recieve
So I have come to pray
That you will come and fill
The hunger here inside me to grow
Stronger in the faith
There's a longing and a need
To have you ever closer
Come fill me

Cause when you move in me
It's like a symphony
The timeless melody
That soothes my soul
Though silent I can tell
That you're alive and well
Cause I can feel you move
In me

What they try to tell me
Is that Your is false
And faith is just a wayI choose to feel
And that there was no meaning
To You upon the cross
And I should reach for something that is real
And when those words are said
The questions in me start
And I don't have any answers
Until I stop thinking with my head
And start listening to my heart
And there I find my assurance
I tell them

Chorus

What I was thinking while cycling around Taman Seri

What happens after we die?How is heaven like?What is it like seeing God face to face?We won't live on Earth anymore. I'm just wondering how different it would be. No suffering. No pain. No disappointments. No sadness. Everything that was accomplished on Earth will be useless. Our success. Our titles. Our wealth. What will be of worth, that will last for eternity? Are we living our lives to the fullest? Do we think we are living our life to the fullest? How do we know? Are we doing things that will have an eternal value?

Christmas........

Christmas...has been quite lonely,
Amelia is not here for the first time,
Timmy & Aida,
The two brats Daniel and Andrew plus the little angel Laura are not around,
It's so different,
BUT,
on a happier side,Mike & Wuey Ping with thier mischivious daughter were here,
Debbie really entertained us a lot, I'm so amused by her!

This Christmas, I pondered on the grace of God. How He so freely gives us grace which we do not deserve and we so often take it for granted...what we do does not count in order for us to be saved..God sent Jesus Christ to save us while we were yet sinners.I thank God that I can have Him as my comfort when life seems so hard. Life can be hard and I'm faced with some disapointments and challenges sometimes.

This Christmas, friendships were renewed. I thank God for friends who are there to encourage one another to grow in the Lord and to cheer us up when we're sad. I thank God for some close and special friends who will always be there when I'm in need, to be crazy enough to make me laugh like a crazy person :-) I'm so grateful and thankful.

This Christmas, I am touched by the evangelistic meetings we had. The 1st one in Chodoi-I pray that the hearts of the people will be touched by the message and that soon they will receive the gift of salvation freely.
The 2nd meeting in TPG-I'm so excited to see so many people who turned up even the Indians. I thank God that our 'Saturday Sunday School' has many children. I pray that as the seeds have been planted in these young children, it will grow deeply and be nourished by the Word of God. I'm so happy to see thier enthusiasm to learn more about a God who was unknown to them before.
The 3rd meeting in the orang asli village. I'm so touched to see so many people esp little children. They were so excited to see so many people (and so much food!). I'm specially touched to see many of my former orang asli students. Surprisingly they remember me! I pray that they will open up their hearts to receive the good news which they've never heard before, to understand that there is a God who loves them so much.
Finally, the last meeting on the 24th Dec. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to take part in it and I really enjoyed it so much! The performances were good and especially the sketch(although I cannot understand a bit what it means). I thank God dat many people turned up and maybe God has a plan for them to come and I pray dat someday(soon), they will come to God.

This year's Christmas has been so meaningful. I'm really am so overjoyed! Honour & Glory be unto God!

For unto us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government shall be on His shoulders.
And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Time really flies. In just 3 weeks time I will be facing my first major exam in uni.
Last weekend was quite a busy one for me but I'm so glad I can go back home almost every weekend and serve in my church. I realise that God wants me to serve Him here. Over the past few years serving in my church has been rather difficult for me because of the language barrier and there were times(many times) when I've prayed and ask God why did He put me in this type of situation. I felt so out of place. I shouldn't be here. I should have been elsewhere.

We want things to be so easy.We don't like to face a slightest discomfort in our life. I realised that we can serve God despite of any barriers. He wants us not to be easily distracted by the discomfort or problems that come our way. Just serve. I serve God not only because I love Him but because He first loved me. I serve because I have a hope which is eternal life. I serve because I believe in Him and am filled with an inexpressible joy, for I am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul. I serve so that God will be glorified and people will come to know of His love.

Last Sunday was my third time teaching in Sunday School. It was quite an experiece I can tell you. I was telling those boys about Paul's second missionary journey, about how God didn't allow Paul and Silas to go to Asia and Bithynia because God had other plans for them. The moment I mentioned the name Barnabas(who didn't follow Paul in this second journey), the whole atmosphere started to change. Those fellas started to make fun of that name. Other names such as 'Bar-banana' and 'Barnabas-Banana' started to come out from their mouths. They would go on and on and on. It was so distracting! Well, I hope that despite of the slight(or major!) distraction, those kids were able to understand the whole message. Boys will still be boys. I really hope they will change once they go on to secodary school. But anyway it was quite fun teaching them. Hope they will outgrow their childish ways.I wonder when it will happen.

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart.
I will tell of all your wonders
I will be glad and rejoice in you,
I will sing praise to your name,O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2

Today's ramblings

Today I attended PERKEB, the cf of UKM.Four reasons why I went: Firsty I wanted see some of my church members who are in UKM, actually many of the are there.I'm the only one who chose UM.Secondly,I wanted to see how their cf is like. Their meetings are conducted in Malay and it was so refreshing to see the East Malaysians together with the West Malaysians worshipping God.We even sang a Dusun song! I really pray and hope that more Sabahans and Sarawakians in UM will gather together and serve in the cf.Thirdly, I wanted to go home( my dad takes me home faithfully every friday) and this brings me to the fourth reason, my dad had to speak in their cf, so I had to follow him to UKM....so complicated!~..But I thank God for giving me this wonderful experience which I don't get so often!

'Not to us, O Lord, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.

I read Psalm 115:1 and I'm truly reminded that whatever that I do, I do it all to glorify God and not myself. So whenever we're serving in our church or in our cf, let us be reminded that we are serving God and may the things that we do in our daily life glorify God.Finally let us not forget that our God is a loving and faithful God.

...God is love. This is how God showed His love among us. He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not the we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins..... 1 John 4:8-10

Remember

I really like this song by Harry Nilsson...it's quite a sad song though..

Long ago, far away
Life was clear, close your eyes
Remember is a place from long ago
Remember filled with everything you know
Remember when you're sad and feelin' down
Remember turn around
Remember life is just a memory
Remember close your eyes and you can see
Remember think of all that life can be
Remember..
Dream love is only in a dream
Remember..
Remember life is never as it seems
Dream-Long ago, far away
Life was clear, close your eyes

Wow!~

Since the last post, so many things happened in my life..but I think I've experienced so much of God's mercy and grace.Life has not been comfortable at times but are we expected to be comfortable all the time? I think we can only grow once we have gone through trials and difficulties because then we can only know the true meaning of hardship. I've learnt to fully trust in God and not just to 'half trust' where there are doubts but to FULLY trust in Him. There are times when I just feel like giving up on a certain problem but after knowing that the problem is not a problem but rather a challenge, it's easier for me solve it...this reminds me of a friend from RBS who once said to me "it's a blessing, not a burden"(if you're reading this, you know who you are!) I feel that it's important for us to submit outselves to God and to allow Him to work in us.

...hmmm....This semester is going to end pretty soon and I've got so much more to read especially for biology and geology. Something that I did not expect earlier: I really like geology so much! My mum told me that a geologist in a family is already enough so we don't need another one :-) Anyway,I'm reminded of God's calling that is teaching. Teaching was never in my mind during my secondary school days but when I was in Form 6 I started to ponder about my future, what was God's will for me. I prayed. From then on I realised that teaching was for me and when I was a temporary teacher, I really enjoyed teaching. It made me realise how much I can give to these students and the impact that I can have on them but most important is that I can tell them about God's love.

On another topic, I think it's really hard for a parent to see their son or daughter(especially daughters) leaving home after getting married. It's hard for me to accept the fact that my sister is going to get married in less than 2 months time. It was much easier for me when my brothers got married but I think it's because I'm much closer to my sister. We won't be seeing her every weekend and during Christmas. Yup, it's hard to let go of something that you cherish a lot but that is how life is. You let go and you move on.

yup...have not been updating for weeks. Just can't find the time and also a computer to type in uni. I've been busy with studies and activities in college and uni. Here's something I feel like sharing about.

I'm glad that I join PKV in UM. Truthfully, I can feel it's warmth and it's closeness. For the first time I'm able to understand everything...just understand...and to fit in...I can see in them the desire to be God's disciples and the desire to know Him more.

I do really enjoy having Bible studies with Mr. Lian. I feel that I've learnt a lot from him even though I started 2 weeks ago. His bible knowledge is so good!

Life in uni has been very different and challenging. So many things happened within this 1 month and I really cherish all the moments I had. This is just the beginning of the next 4 years in um.

I really thank God that I managed to change my course from science to science with education. I know that becoming a teacher is God's calling and I hope that I can use whatever abilities I have to glorify Him and to make Him known.

So..today

I thought in Sunday School for the second time. By the way I'm just a helper and the teacher asked me to take over today. Maybe it's some sort of training, I don't know. Anyway it was an opportunity for me to tell these kids about God and how God is good.

But anyway...I found it a bit hard teaching these boys...yes...there are ONLY boys in my class. I wonder where are all the 11-12 year old girls in my church. It's like when I'm talking they would talk in Chinese about something I just said...this annoys me a bit-lar...but on the whole, I think I was able to tell the message loudly and clearly even though there were numerous disruptions here and there...can't all boys just sit still and keep queit for a moment? :-)

The Bible story that I told was Jesus turning water into wine. Something that I too have learnt is that Jesus will give us the best because He wants us to get what is best. Yes He gives us our essential needs, family, friends and things that we treasure a lot but the best gift he gives us is new life. This reminds me of something that I read while I was doing my devotion. It says clearly in the Bible that people are not just sinners bacause they sin, but they sin because they are sinners. Christ has died on the cross so that we can be saved and thus obtain this new life. Without God's grace and mercy, what would be of us?

Quoting Eugene Peterson(his quote which I read somewhere) "The word 'sinner' is not to become and arsenal of condemnation but the expectation of grace". We as sinners need grace. We need a Saviour.

So since Jesus gives us the best and He wants us to test the best 'wine', we must be committed to Christ, to build a close relationship with Him, to acknowledge Him as our Lord and Saviour.